Saturday, April 30, 2011

Entry #39 - Spinster Fitness

Dear Diary,
I've been working on my fitness for about two months now, and I must say that I have seen limited results. This may be because I often follow up a trip to the gym by sitting on the kitchen floor and eating chocolate, but I can't say for sure.
My older sister, Amy, is a fitness machine.

 I'm sure you remember her from the Yuletide Edition, she is the one with the two beautiful children who allow me to be a spinster AUNT instead of just a plain old spinster. Along with her handsome husband, two adorable children, house, and large SUV, Amy also possesses a physique that most 18-year-olds would punch a kitten to be have. "Muffin Top" does not exist in her world, unless she is punching you in the face for taking the top of her muffin without asking first. Not that she's ever actually punched someone, but my point is that she's so strong that she COULD punch someone if she was so inclined. What really gets me is that she looks this good after being pregnant twice; and by that I mean I am sad that if we were both out with her kids people would for sure think that I birthed them, not because they look like me, but because my physique says "baby weight" and Amy's says "Madonna" (pre crazy-arms, you know what I'm talking about).

Anyway, here are some highlights from my trips to the gym:

Strength Training - I have discovered that Just Ladies Fitness, and any other female-only gym, exists solely to spare women everywhere from listening to the ridiculous grunting, loud breathing, snorting, and other colourful acoustic treats that many men emit while "pumping iron". I don't expect anyone to be silent while bench pressing some obscene weight, I myself breath kinda loud while trying to lift my 10lb weights for a bicep curl. However, as Kim says "it need not sound like you are having "crazy animal sex"". It goes without saying that there has been much poorly-stifled laughter between the two of us in the weight room.
Octogenarian Fitness Guru - Imagine if you will an eighty-year-old man in a one-piece spandex shorts and tank top outfit complete with matching headband. Got that image burned in your brain? Good, now imagine that he goes to the gym WAY more than you do; he swims, he works out, and he can kick your ass on the elliptical. Feel good about yourself? Me neither
Aquafit - Nay, I do not participate in aquafit, I simply watch like a creeper from the mezzanine, sweaty and beet-faced, as I work off the pounds on one of the many cardio machines that face out toward the pool. Here is where it gets interesting: Aquafit classes at Crystal Pool are partaken in almost exclusively by people born between 1910 and 1940, or, "a sea of raisins" as Kim says. Sometimes the groups are small, sometimes they take up half the pool, but one thing is always consistent; the classes are always lead by strapping young male aquafit instructors. Spinster or not, there is something quite mesmerizing about watching a beautiful young man lead 100 senior citizens around the pool to the beat of "My Girl", "Stand By Me", or one of many other winning soft favourites . Having them down there splashing around always encourages me to run that little bit faster on the treadmill so I can see down into the pool a juicy carrot in front of a slightly overweight and winded rabbit.
One of the gentleman instructors always wears a t-shirt in the pool, which simply serves to fuel my already overactive imagination. As I said to Kim, "he must be so chiseled and beautiful under that shirt that he cannot remove it lest all the old ladies swoon!", to which Kim replied "way to work "lest" and "swoon" into a modern day conversation, sweetheart"
To you, hot shirt-wearing aquafit instructor, I say this: It's very, very likely that you don't like ladies (*COUGH*sweeping generalization*COUGH*) but I still I wouldn't be opposed to seeing you shirtless. It's been a long time since I've seen or experienced a really good swoon. Respectfully, the Spinster in the teal t-shirt with the geese on it.

1 comment:

  1. Blog brilliance my Hannah!
    At my gym the guys do grunt and sweat and smell SO bad,
    And not a peek of chiselled bod is ever to be had,
    So off to the ladies only gym I am going soon enough,
    And then sweet Hannah you may see
    Your old Mimama looking buff!!!!!
    (Seriously..... no chance of that as I too love the mini egss)