Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Entry #35 - White Wicker and Courtesans

Dear Diary,
     Month eight of spinsterdom is upon me and my conviction to die alone and be eaten by my cats is stronger than ever; conveniently, so is the general aversion the male population has toward me.
For about a week I considered switching from spinster to courtesan for a while, you know, to spice things up. In a eureka moment akin to Matt Damon solving complex mathematical equations in Good Will Hunting, I convinced myself of the following:
Subtracting expectations of commitment and conversation + working on my fitness (Kim's my witness) = assured success.
I was so convinced of my success that I even brainstormed a couple new names for the old blog: "Diary of a Casually Coveted Courtesan" was my personal favourite, although "Journal of a Part Time Paramour" wasn't bad either.
As it turns out, however, my Good Will Hunting moment was more of A Beautiful Mind moment; heavy on the delusion, easy on the reality. Lucky for me, much like olives, wine, and blue cheese, I have acquired a taste for and an appreciation of the many and varied rebuffs I have been on  the receiving end of; and let me tell you, this was a particularly fine vintage - Mwah! I begrudgingly respect it. Consider me put in my place!     

The good news is, while my pride may have been momentarily damaged, the cat plate collection is in mint condition. This month includes the addition of a new plate! Hooray!

 At first the idea of finding a new plate to compete with the likes of "Frisky Business", "Who's the fairest of them all?", or "Gone Fishin'" seemed an impossible task. Also, I was almost certain that I had purchased every last cat plate the city of Victoria had to offer. Imagine my delight when I came across this month's beauty, "Rainy Day Friends". As described on the back of the plate, along with the edition number, is the following description: "The mischief and magic of kittens at play is captured in this series of limited edition porcelain plates"...perfect.
What captured my eye on this particular piece was the amazing early 90's colour scheme. Nothing says "put me on a white wicker shelf" quite like a pastel blue and pastel purple background. When you add to this the cherry blossoms, raindrops, and adorable black and white kitten admiring his own reflection the result is 100% purrfection.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Entry #34 - Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bore

Dear Diary,
      In contrast to what people might believe, I love weddings. That's right, I, Hannah, dedicated spinster and connoisseur of rejection, love nothing more than attending ceremonies dedicated to successful relationships.

I know what you're thinking...you're thinking to yourself that a spinster attending a wedding is sort of like someone who struggles with infertility attending a baby shower; a little sad, awkward, and perhaps slightly masochistic.  To which I SAY...possibly. Yet, celebrating love is always in fashion in my mind; that and I NEVER turn down an opportunity to wear a party dress. Ever.

I have been a bridesmaid/maid-of-honour at three weddings and I'm not going to lie, I did a super job. As you can see in the pictures above I am consistently serene and extremely photogenic. I never embarrass myself by laughing at inappropriate times and I always make heartwarming speeches that contain no sarcasm whatsoever. I would certainly never consider taking brazen advantage of the fact that there are men in sailor uniforms at your wedding, nor will the zipper on my dress break at the last second requiring the photographer to sew the dress closed on my body (foreshadowing?).

Long story short, I am always a bridesmaid, but never a bore.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Entry #33 - Lion Cut

Dear Diary,
    The love of my life finally got a haircut. That's right, Augustus George Carlin, my beloved cat companion of three years is now sporting a jaunty "Lion Cut" - and let me tell you, it is spectacular. A big spinster shout out to Sally from "West Coast Sassy Cats" who brought her grooming gear to Spinster Mansion for the big haircut. It took the two of us plus a complex series of cat maneuvers, but we got the job done. We could have created  a whole new cat from all the fur that was shaved off - it was a "yes sir, yes sir, three bags full" kind of situation.
Now, Gus is no longer obscenely fluffy and he should have way less hairballs than before. Also, he looks like he's wearing leg warmers and his head looks about three times too big for his body. Every time he walks in the room we must resist the urge to laugh, lest we hurt his cat feelings.

On a serious note, Sally is a truly amazing cat groomer, she is like the cat whisperer. She gets the Spinster Seal of Approval.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Entry #32 - Mystery Solving for Lush Spinsters

Signs of Spinsterhood #2 - because looking back, it was kind of obvious we'd end up alone.
Back in our university days, the first time Kim and I were room mates, we discovered that one of our great pleasures in life was to open a bottle (or two) of wine, bake enough frozen store-bought appetizers to supply a family reunion, and solve a mystery. That’s right, solve a mystery. Perhaps you thought Nancy Drew was limited strictly to books, and that those books were only of interest to nerdy girls aged 12 and under. You thought wrong. To those spinsters and tween girls who are interested, Nancy Drew games for the PC are available for only $19.99 a mystery.
Back in the day, Kim and I used to gather in the den (which was actually a closet with the door taken off), glass of wine in hand, plate of appetizers overflowing, and settle in for some good mystery solving. Kim would be in charge of the mouse and I would sit cross-legged in the “Co-Captain” chair. There are two levels of difficulty available to choose from on this particular game, "junior detective" or "senior detective". One hundred percent of the time, we chose "junior detective", aka child level, because let's be honest, two drunk spinsters need not add any more frustration their lives. In addition, sometimes "junior detective" is so challenging that we are often forced to cheat.  Cheating and child level aside, we would play for hours; often until we were drunk and the thought of eating another sausage roll, mushroom puff, or mini spanikopita made us want to vomit. Good times.

At the time, we knew it was a little odd that we enjoyed this activity so much, but didn’t think much of what it might mean - we just chalked it up to “redheaded quirkiness” . We certainly did not peg it as a “Sign of Spinsterhood”, which in hindsight it most certainly WAS...in that glaringly obvious toupĂ©e kind of way.

Back to present day. In honour of days gone by, we recently downloaded and solved “Nancy Drew - Shadow at the Water’s Edge”. It was not exactly the same as playing in the den at the “Captain’s Walk” (that was the name of our old apartment building). In Spinster Mansion there is no den, so we played at Kim’s computer in the living room. Kim was still in charge of the mouse and I still had my co-captain chair. We traded the wine for tea and the pastry-rich appetizers for pickles and an entire tray of corn bread. I wore my pink “business suit” almost every night, and Gus even came to help us out at one point. Long story short, we took what was already a very spinsterly activity, and really took it to the next level.

Just as a warning, "Shadow at the Water's Edge" was a pretty scary one, we had  to close our eyes on a few different occasions. Also, we killed Nancy at least three times.

Well, Diary, now that this mystery is solved I guess it's back to the age old mystery -and I'm not talking about how they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar, no no. That was rather unmysterious and lacklustre. I'm talking about why it is that men have been more commited to finding the remote than to me . You know, that old chestnut.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Entry #31 - Spinster Birthday Bonanza

Dear Diary,
In a historical romance novel, when the lead female character is cast as a "spinster", she is almost always 28 years old. In the mind of historical romance writers, this is the age when spinsterhood is comfortably established, almost all hope for romance and suitors is abandoned, and a small bedroom has been set up in the parents’ or a married sibling’s home. Well Diary, guess who is now working on decade 2.8? The answer would be THIS spinster, and I consider this the first year of the “Prime of my Spinsterhood“. I am still debating with myself whether to call it "Decade 2.8" or "One-Score-Year-and-Eight". Decade 2.8 has a very modern feel to it, but One-Score-Year-and-Eight is kind of sexy in that Abraham Lincoln kind of way.
How does a modern-day spinster celebrate her birthday? So glad you asked. We do not celebrate with other spinsters exclusively, no no. All spinsters must have a mix of friends, including fellow spinsters and those who are non-spinsters. The non-spinsters are the people who will likely, but not necessarily, go on to have children in the future; children that I will baby-sit and force lipstick smooches upon, probably while they choke on the scent of my floral-and-musk perfume. But I digress. Back to the party.
When I asked myself what I wanted to do for my birthday the first thing that popped into my mind was - “EAT FOOD!” When I asked myself what I liked to eat best, the answer of course was…cheese! That's right, it all started with a platter of cheese. Then we added multiple bottles of wine, a fancy hotel room, a whole bunch of ladies, party dresses, cupcakes, 90’s Night, and one GB (Gay Boyfriend)*.
Then, there was getting ready for the party…

It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a whole team of people to help this spinster get gussied up. At one point I had two people with curling irons in my hair while I drank a glass of wine and sang along loudly to whatever Heather decided to play for us . Clearly wearing my own clothing was not an option, spinster formal wear is appropriate only for cruise ships and other people’s wedding receptions (think sequins and/or awkward vintage). Luckily for me, I have stylish and attractive friends with inclinations toward fashion. The lovely Enisa Hot (stylist, photographer, and general beautifier extraordinaire) brought from Vancouver the most perfect spinster-chic dress imaginable for me to wear, one covered in PEARLS.

It was a magical evening, I was given not one but TWO cat puzzles and a whole series of First Nations themed historical romance novels, a genre I have never read before. I was both offended and aroused by the somewhat racist cover art. We even managed to take a photo of a few of us in our party dresses in the classic Disney “Cinderella Pose”…even though Prince-not-so-Charming sometimes runs off with an average step-hipster in the end. More wine!

* My Gay Boyfriend, Bryan, needs an entire diary entry dedicated to him. All I will say here, is that a GB is a GREAT thing to have.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Entry #30 - "30 Rock" takes on Spinsterhood

Dear Diary,
I finally got to watch the "30 Rock" episode about spinsterhood (It's Never Too Late for Now (S5E15)), and let me tell you, it was jaw-droppingly accurate. Here are some choice quotes from this gem of an episode, and below them, the true to life comparison of this real-life spinster.

Liz Lemon: "I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon and I bought a cemetery plot. "
Spinster Aunt: "I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon and went to Cabowaii " (see "Spinster Aunt Abroad")

Liz Lemon: "My fanny pack is in my office in my mini-fridge... I like my tampons to be cold."
Spinster Aunt: "Oh my God, Liz Lemon just outspinstered me!"
Liz Lemon: "I've had three chances: Floyd then Carol, and I was once in an elevator with Tom Brokaw! and I blew all 3 . . . Opportunities!"
Spinster Aunt: "I've had three chances: ***** then ****, and I once got a ride home from Cory Monteith! and I blew all 3 . . ..Opportunities!"

Here's hoping that my friends band togther for my birthday and get me a "swiss prostitute Martha Stewart recommended".

Go watch it!