Saturday, September 24, 2011

Entry #51 - Navigating the Spinsternet

Dear Diary,
     Ahh the internets; a series of tubes and wires that continues to both enlighten and befuddle me. Back in April I wrote an entry called "Spinster on the Googs", which was all about the various statistics I have access to that pertain to this blog. I thought it was time to re-visit that topic, both in the interest of posterity and for the simple fact that (for some reason I do not understand) Vanessa liked that entry the best...and, since I seem to live with Vanessa and her husband for at least 8 weeks every year, I feel it is in my best interest to keep her happy! Here we go!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Entry #50 - Spinster Miscellany

Dear Diary,
     Here we are at 50 entries! It's the Diary of a Spinster Aunt Golden Jubilee, The Spinster Quinquagenary, The Semi-Centennial of Solitude!  Whatever you want to call it, I can't really decide whether I am really proud or really depressed. Perhaps a little of column A and a little of column B. God only know what my emotional health will look like at entry #500.
    In honour of the 50th entry I have collected together some spinster miscellany from the last year; a group of things that on their own are a little quirky, but when collected together are a fail-proof recipe for a lifetime of spinsterhood. I hope it brings you happiness in the way that only schadenfreude can...

Spinster Mii
   When my friend Megan is in town I often go up island and stay with her family for a night. Megan has the kindest, loveliest parents on the planet. Somehow, almost every time I go up there her dad makes us fancy blended alcoholic beverages which he serves us on the deck, and her mom manages to serve 6 homemade meals in a span of 24 hours; often including (but not limited to) steak, shrimp and avocado croissantwiches, fancy coffee drinks, fruit tarts, and homemade waffles. It goes without saying that I always experience a serious case of the "Yes Pleases" while I'm there and probably gain about 5lbs in one day. It's not just the food either, I have been told by Megan that some people have left her house only to find that her dad has washed their car for them. If that's not hospitality I don't know what is.  
On one visit, Megan and I were challenged by her parents to a Wii Sport showdown. Full of good food and lime margaritas we readily accepted the challenge. Megan's dad insisted that I needed my own personalized Mii and that he would gladly design one for me. I watched in horror as my Mii took shape. It was the most miserable, pinched-faced, stereo-typically spinsterly Mii I had ever seen; and this without her dad having any idea that I consider myself to be one. So, one day in the not so distant future, when counselor Pat asks me "how I think men perceive me", I'm going to whip out the above picture and say "Like this...".

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Entry #49 - Spinster Sports Extravaganza

Dear Diary, 
       In an effort to work on our physical fitness and in order to take advantage of the brief and intermittent summer that exists in Victoria, my spinsters-in-training and I decided to take advantage of a sunny day by heading to the park for some Spinster Sports. We set out just after high noon, raquets and bocce balls in hand. For the occasion we all donned our best work out gear. Most of us wore shorts, a couple of us wore running shoes, one of us wore flip flops, and in the case of one Spinster's Apprentice *cough* Heather*cough* beige snake print Ann Klein loafers were deemed suitable. One thing we had in common was this: no lulu lemons or other "sexy workout wear" was worn. The closest thing to sexy was Heather's hot pink shorts, and perhaps Alex's "Hot Flashes" cat t-shirt. Aside from that it was all cut-off elasticated waistband shorts that may or may not have belonged to Alex's grandma, the notorious "workout geese" gym t-shirt, knee high socks, pink sequined visors, and side pony tails. 

Spinster Tennis
        First up on the roster was tennis. As we approached the tennis courts from across the field, we could see that two men were already playing on one of the two courts. This was fine with us as we all wanted to play together anyway. The opportunity to play "doubles" after being perpetually single was simply too good to pass up. The closer we got to the courts the more the two men started to look over in our direction. I'm sure we must have looked breathtaking; I am quite confident that as we walked toward them (four astride with tennis gear in hand) that everything became slow motion and Dreamweaver started playing out of nowhere. The sexual magnetism we emitted was so strong that as  soon as we entered the tennis courts and began warming up and applying SPF 50 the two men vacated the premises immediately, you know, to prevent themselves from ravaging us.