Monday, December 27, 2010

Entry #20 - Catbandonment Issues

The love of my life, Augustus George Carlin
Diary of a Spinster Aunt - Entry #20
Dear Diary,
I have a sneaking suspicion that my cat, Gus, may be trying to leave me. It started the other day when I caught him sitting by the front door staring longingly up at the door knob. A few days later I discovered him testing out the single-pane windows for weakness. There are also the bags, Diary. He climbs into them at every opportunity… I think he’s made the connection that the two spinsters he lives with keep the recycling bags by the door to take outside. I also can’t help but think he is looking a little forlorn lately… almost as if he’s in a minor cat depression. I can’t say I’m surprised though, Diary, I’ve had Gus about two and a half years now and that does seem to be the time that males(human or otherwise apparently) start looking for an exit strategy. I shall hoard female cats only from now on. #evenmaleswithnoballsdontwantme #pleasedontleavemeaugustusgeorgecarlin

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Entry #19 - Yuletide Edition

Diary of a Spinster Aunt - Yuletide Edition

Dear Diary,
Oh Christmas, as welcome to a spinster as Valentine’s Day or a three-legged race. This year Gus and I have been left to our own devices here at Spinster Mansion, Kim has departed for Langley to spend time with her family and Mom and Dad have headed south to Texas to be with my sister and her family. I must admit, Diary, I was surprised that Mom and Dad chose to fly all the way to Texas when they could have just taken a ferry to stay here in Victoria with me and Gus. I mean, why go all that way to stay with my beautiful, fit sister, her charming, successful, handsome husband, and their two disgustingly adorable children?; why stay in their large, spacious, well-heated home, including your own personal guest suite and kitchen with two ovens when you can sleep on the Chiropractor’s nightmare of a futon in my 100 sq foot living room, enjoy my drafty windows and sub arctic temperatures, and experience the Russian roulette fun of cooking in an oven that has no marked numbers on the knob? Not to mention the company of a grand-cat who has recently been treated for fleas? I just don’t get how I lost that coin toss, Diary.
Anyway, Gus and I have all kinds of fun planned for Crimbo all the same, including, but not limited to:
Present Opening: I open presents and Gus plays with the paper, fun for everyone!
Skyping with the family: I get to experience the magic of Christmas through the eyes of a child, and the children get to avoid the lipstick smudged kisses and the heavy handed perfume application of a spinster aunt.
Turkey Lunch: Gus and I have decided to partake in a Swanson’s Christmas lunch this year in the spirit of getting far too drunk later to operate a microwave, let alone a gas range or oven with no marked numbers.
Gallery Walk: I take time to appreciate Kim's new work of art, "Cat Christ", which features yours truly as the Virgin Mary, Kim as Joseph, Three Wise Gays, and of course Gus as the Cat Christ.
Spinster Movie Toss Up: I decide between Pride and Prejudice, Love Actually, and Little Mermaid. I cry no matter what. I get crumbs all over the futon from the unhealthy amount of Christmas baking I consume.
Festive Internet: I watch the "Dick in a Box" video on Youtube at least 10 times in a row. I then go on Facebook to creeper my ex-boyfriends' current girlfriends. I come to the heartwarming if erroneous conclusion that I am smarter, funnier, better-looking, and more interesting than ALL of them.
 Drunken Romance Nog Tub: I read my new romance novel “A Wallflower Christmas” in the clawfoot tub while drinking booze-laced soy nog straight from the bottle. The female lead character’s name in the book? Hannah. I kid you not.
Naked Nog Nap: I go straight from the tub to my twin sized bed where I nap off all the nog I drank and dream, God willing (although he's probably NOT willing after the whole "Cat Christ" thing), of the male lead from my romance novel. I will be woken later by Gus who is testing to see if I have died alone in accordance with the prophecy, thus cuing his time to eat half of my face. I will give him kibbles instead.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Entry #18 - Barren is the new Black

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #18 

Dear Diary, One recent morning, as I wound my hair up in a classic spinster updo, I noticed, to my horror, that my once glorious strawberry blonde hair has begun to fade on me. That's right, Diary, my hair, which once inspired the phrase "It's like she's riding on the back of a unicorn", is losing its lustre. Words cannot convey the depth of my despair. Clearly an internal memo was sent out from my womb to my hair: "Dear Hair, We know you've been trying your best for some time now to be shiny and lustrous in order to attract male suitors. Therefore, we feel it incumbent on us to inform you that we down here in the reproductive area have pretty much given up hope. She's going to die alone and be eaten by the cat. Give up the gold; barren is the new black. Sincerely, Womb & Ovaries". Traitors.

Entry #17 - The Caulk

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #17 -Dear Diary, La NiƱa has hit Spinster Mansion pretty hard. The single-pane windows from 1911 are as effective at keeping out the cold as I am at resisting a smutty historical romance novel; i.e. not very. The heat "included" in our rent is controlled centrally by the landlords and isn't on much, and even when it is it usually smells like marijuana and hamburger helper. Thus, the temperature has plummeted to a point where it is as cold and frigid in the house as the two spinsters who live here. Lucky for us, I discovered a product called "Draft Attack" which allows one to caulk windows closed temporarily. One Youtube video later and I am a Caulk pro. Working with caulk takes a lot of concentration and a steady hand, but I got the job done satisfactorily. Getting out the caulk once a year in order to keep out the cold might become an annual event here at Spinster Mansion!
Well, Diary, I might go turn on the radiator, and by that I mean I might fill up the clawfoot tub with boiling water and hope it radiates some heat.

Entry #16 - Nofunber

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #16 - Dear Diary, I'm so sorry I've been neglecting you; all I can say is that there has been so much good old fashioned spinster entertainment this month that I have barely had time to contemplate my future of dying alone and being eaten by my cats, let alone writing in my diary! In short, here are some of the delightful diversions I've partaken in this month!

- Taking pleasure in how majestic my cat Gus is, and singing the Circle of Life from the Lion King when he poses on his scratching post.
- Taking the ferry to the mainland to be (always) a bridesmaid (never a bride), and not being in any way offended by the chosen animal on my ticket.
- Wearing jaunty neck scarves.
- Buying facial tissues that had boxes that were designed with spinsters in mind. Bunnies in a Meadow? Every Rose Has its Thorn?
- Wearing sexy socks that any man would die to peel off..
- "Borrowing" signs from the side of the road, drinking tea, eating (a plate full) of biscuits, and watching Pride and Prejudice.

So you see, Diary, November has been a month of fun! I can't wait for December!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Entry #15 - Hydro Fantasy

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #15 - Perhaps it's the allure of an unwilling man being forced into our home, but nothing excites a spinster like a visit from the BC Hydro man. Independent of one another, and over a year apart, Kim and I posted the following status updates:

December 4, 2009 at 1:58pm
Dear BC Hydro Employee, I believe you were as surprised as I was when I looked up from my usual morning tradition of dancing around in my underwear to the terrible music on channel 401 to find you working on the pole outside my living room window. I think perhaps the song "We belong to the night" by Pat Benetar has new meaning for both of us. Love, The girl whose apartment faces the alley behind Wark Street.
December 4, 2009 at 1:58pm

October 8 at 10:31am
BC Hydro man, I am so sorry. Sorry a) that you saw me with no bra on, b) you saw all the awkward spinster art in our apartment, and c) that you have to wear hideous half-bootie type shoes
October 8 at 10:31am

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Entry #14: Horrendously Amazing

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #14 - I have acquired what is possibly the greatest work of spinster art ever created...the fancy-cut kitten poster laquered onto a piece of fancy-cut plywood. Why does this exist?? #menwillrunscreaming #horrendouslyamazing

Entry #13 - Dangers of Cat Hoarding

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #13 - Sustained a serious arm injury today while trying to bathe my cat, Gus, after I discovered he had poop all over his fluffy pants. Dear Gus, mama's going to look really nice in that strapless bridesmaid dress this weekend with three giant scratch marks and a puncture wound on her arm. #alwaysabridesmaid

Entry #12 - Thomas Porn Affair

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #12 - My room mate Kim is still hard at work churning out artistic masterpieces, check out the way she has improved upon Magritte's "Son of Man"! (Oil on Canvas, 8X12 K Dezall 2010). This one was inspired by the Thomas Crown Affair, and by the Thomas Crown affair I mean that sex scene between Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo. Oh Pierce, putting dirty thoughts into the minds of spinsters everywhere!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Entry #11 - Monopoly & Manilow

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #11 - I caught my friend Kim playing online Monopoly while simultaneously listening to Barry Manilow. Way to really embrace the spinster lifestyle, pal. I've never been so proud. #ohmandy

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Entry #10 - Victorian Cat Capers..

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry#10 - Thanksgiving Edition - Dear Diary, I am thankful that although my attractive and fertile years are dwindling, my cat plate collection is booming! New additions include "Who's the fairest of them all?", and "Puss in Boots". Note that documentation of authenticity is included to prove that one plate is indeed part of the Premier Victorian Cat Capers collection from the Bradford Exchange. #picturepurrfect

Entry #9 - Romancing the Floss

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #9 - I really need to buy a bedside table to organize all the things that seem to end up gathered beside my bed; romance novels, chapstick, sleeping mask, box of Kleenex, and last but not least, a bag of floss sticks. Because nothing says “I sleep alone” like flossing in your twin size bed while you read a novel entitled “Taming the Scotsman”. #mydentistlovesme


Monday, October 4, 2010

Entry #8 - Spinster Gothic

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #8 - We continue to fill Spinster Palace with glorious works of art created by Kim. In this newest piece entitled "Spinster Gothic" (Oil on Canvas 11x17 K Dezall 2010), Kim pays homage to the Grant Wood classic "American Gothic", replacing the father and his spinster daughter (I'm not making this up... with two redheaded spinsters you might recognize. You may also recognize a certain palace in the background. Bidding will start at $50.00..Do I hear $50.00?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Entry #7 - Vitamins and Minerals

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #7 - I take a plethora of vitamins and minerals in the hope that they will help me attain my goal of living long enough to be called “Great...Great Aunt Hannah”. Living into my nineties will also ensure my bitterness has an opportunity to age nicely, becoming full bodied and complex - like a fine wine. The only thing that will smell stronger than my bitterness will be my perfume, which I will apply both liberally and frequently. #floralandmusktopnotes

Entry #6 - Celestial Spinsters

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #6 - Aside from our burgeoning collection of cat plates, Kim and I have decided to decorate our new Spinsterette Pad with an artwork collection built entirely of paintings dedicated to spinsterhood, more specifically, portraits of our two favourite spinsters...ourselves. Kim has entitled this first beauty "Celestial Spinsters"(oil on canvas 11X17 - K.Dezall 2010). Considering changing diary name to "Diary of a Spinster Art Collector".

Entry #5 - Cat Plates

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #5 - My roommate/sister-in-spinsterhood Kim and I started a collection of decorative plates, more specifically, plates featuring adorable cats and kittens. So far we have "Frolicking Felines" and "Pussyfooting Around". "Well would you look at that! Those naughty little cats got the milk! Precious!"

Entry #4 - Ikea

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #4 - Dear Diary, I went to Ikea in Edmonton with one of my favourite spinster sisters, Sara Parker. We shared a delightful meal and then proceeded to purchase some classic spinster gear: twin sized sheets for me, and a lovely lap blanket for Sara, which she insists will not be shared with her 3 cats*. * Norman (the cat) sat on it immediately.

Entry #3 - Animal Themed Earrings

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #3 - Dear Diary, It occurred to me today that I have reached my spinster quota of animal themed earrings; including, but not limited to, fish, peacocks, beetles, and four different types of owls. Considering changing diary name to "Diary of Miss Frizzle".

Entry #2 - Circulars and Gin

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #2 - Dear Diary, Wound down my Friday night by browsing the circulars in the bathtub while drinking gin and juice. What can I say, I like being laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind. "Oh look, anti-aging/anti-acne cream is on sale at Shopper's..."

Entry #1 - Crumble and Nelly

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #1 -Ate apple crumble straight from the dish while listening to Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” and reflecting upon the “good old days”.