Monday, December 27, 2010

Entry #20 - Catbandonment Issues

The love of my life, Augustus George Carlin
Diary of a Spinster Aunt - Entry #20
Dear Diary,
I have a sneaking suspicion that my cat, Gus, may be trying to leave me. It started the other day when I caught him sitting by the front door staring longingly up at the door knob. A few days later I discovered him testing out the single-pane windows for weakness. There are also the bags, Diary. He climbs into them at every opportunity… I think he’s made the connection that the two spinsters he lives with keep the recycling bags by the door to take outside. I also can’t help but think he is looking a little forlorn lately… almost as if he’s in a minor cat depression. I can’t say I’m surprised though, Diary, I’ve had Gus about two and a half years now and that does seem to be the time that males(human or otherwise apparently) start looking for an exit strategy. I shall hoard female cats only from now on. #evenmaleswithnoballsdontwantme #pleasedontleavemeaugustusgeorgecarlin

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Entry #19 - Yuletide Edition

Diary of a Spinster Aunt - Yuletide Edition

Dear Diary,
Oh Christmas, as welcome to a spinster as Valentine’s Day or a three-legged race. This year Gus and I have been left to our own devices here at Spinster Mansion, Kim has departed for Langley to spend time with her family and Mom and Dad have headed south to Texas to be with my sister and her family. I must admit, Diary, I was surprised that Mom and Dad chose to fly all the way to Texas when they could have just taken a ferry to stay here in Victoria with me and Gus. I mean, why go all that way to stay with my beautiful, fit sister, her charming, successful, handsome husband, and their two disgustingly adorable children?; why stay in their large, spacious, well-heated home, including your own personal guest suite and kitchen with two ovens when you can sleep on the Chiropractor’s nightmare of a futon in my 100 sq foot living room, enjoy my drafty windows and sub arctic temperatures, and experience the Russian roulette fun of cooking in an oven that has no marked numbers on the knob? Not to mention the company of a grand-cat who has recently been treated for fleas? I just don’t get how I lost that coin toss, Diary.
Anyway, Gus and I have all kinds of fun planned for Crimbo all the same, including, but not limited to:
Present Opening: I open presents and Gus plays with the paper, fun for everyone!
Skyping with the family: I get to experience the magic of Christmas through the eyes of a child, and the children get to avoid the lipstick smudged kisses and the heavy handed perfume application of a spinster aunt.
Turkey Lunch: Gus and I have decided to partake in a Swanson’s Christmas lunch this year in the spirit of getting far too drunk later to operate a microwave, let alone a gas range or oven with no marked numbers.
Gallery Walk: I take time to appreciate Kim's new work of art, "Cat Christ", which features yours truly as the Virgin Mary, Kim as Joseph, Three Wise Gays, and of course Gus as the Cat Christ.
Spinster Movie Toss Up: I decide between Pride and Prejudice, Love Actually, and Little Mermaid. I cry no matter what. I get crumbs all over the futon from the unhealthy amount of Christmas baking I consume.
Festive Internet: I watch the "Dick in a Box" video on Youtube at least 10 times in a row. I then go on Facebook to creeper my ex-boyfriends' current girlfriends. I come to the heartwarming if erroneous conclusion that I am smarter, funnier, better-looking, and more interesting than ALL of them.
 Drunken Romance Nog Tub: I read my new romance novel “A Wallflower Christmas” in the clawfoot tub while drinking booze-laced soy nog straight from the bottle. The female lead character’s name in the book? Hannah. I kid you not.
Naked Nog Nap: I go straight from the tub to my twin sized bed where I nap off all the nog I drank and dream, God willing (although he's probably NOT willing after the whole "Cat Christ" thing), of the male lead from my romance novel. I will be woken later by Gus who is testing to see if I have died alone in accordance with the prophecy, thus cuing his time to eat half of my face. I will give him kibbles instead.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Entry #18 - Barren is the new Black

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #18 

Dear Diary, One recent morning, as I wound my hair up in a classic spinster updo, I noticed, to my horror, that my once glorious strawberry blonde hair has begun to fade on me. That's right, Diary, my hair, which once inspired the phrase "It's like she's riding on the back of a unicorn", is losing its lustre. Words cannot convey the depth of my despair. Clearly an internal memo was sent out from my womb to my hair: "Dear Hair, We know you've been trying your best for some time now to be shiny and lustrous in order to attract male suitors. Therefore, we feel it incumbent on us to inform you that we down here in the reproductive area have pretty much given up hope. She's going to die alone and be eaten by the cat. Give up the gold; barren is the new black. Sincerely, Womb & Ovaries". Traitors.

Entry #17 - The Caulk

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #17 -Dear Diary, La NiƱa has hit Spinster Mansion pretty hard. The single-pane windows from 1911 are as effective at keeping out the cold as I am at resisting a smutty historical romance novel; i.e. not very. The heat "included" in our rent is controlled centrally by the landlords and isn't on much, and even when it is it usually smells like marijuana and hamburger helper. Thus, the temperature has plummeted to a point where it is as cold and frigid in the house as the two spinsters who live here. Lucky for us, I discovered a product called "Draft Attack" which allows one to caulk windows closed temporarily. One Youtube video later and I am a Caulk pro. Working with caulk takes a lot of concentration and a steady hand, but I got the job done satisfactorily. Getting out the caulk once a year in order to keep out the cold might become an annual event here at Spinster Mansion!
Well, Diary, I might go turn on the radiator, and by that I mean I might fill up the clawfoot tub with boiling water and hope it radiates some heat.

Entry #16 - Nofunber

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Entry #16 - Dear Diary, I'm so sorry I've been neglecting you; all I can say is that there has been so much good old fashioned spinster entertainment this month that I have barely had time to contemplate my future of dying alone and being eaten by my cats, let alone writing in my diary! In short, here are some of the delightful diversions I've partaken in this month!

- Taking pleasure in how majestic my cat Gus is, and singing the Circle of Life from the Lion King when he poses on his scratching post.
- Taking the ferry to the mainland to be (always) a bridesmaid (never a bride), and not being in any way offended by the chosen animal on my ticket.
- Wearing jaunty neck scarves.
- Buying facial tissues that had boxes that were designed with spinsters in mind. Bunnies in a Meadow? Every Rose Has its Thorn?
- Wearing sexy socks that any man would die to peel off..
- "Borrowing" signs from the side of the road, drinking tea, eating (a plate full) of biscuits, and watching Pride and Prejudice.

So you see, Diary, November has been a month of fun! I can't wait for December!