Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Entry #40 - Spinster Forlorn

Dear Diary,
   At the advice of "Counselor Pat", my wise, fashionable, and sage-like life counselor, I shall face my grief here and now, in a head-on and timely fashion; this is apparently "healthier" than bottling it up for later when it will be released in a cataclysmic and borderline criminally-insane fashion.

Kimmy is gone. There, I said it. My beloved hetero-life-partner-in-spinsterhood has packed her bags and set off on a grand adventure. Where does a young spinster go in this big wide world in order to seek her fortune, you ask? After numerous highland themed romance novels (see Entry#23 - Spinster Scholars), the answer is simple: Scotland. The home of haggis, tartan, and Robert Burns, among other things. Upon reflection, I realized it is me who laid the foundation for this decision. Way back in 2006 I gave Kim my copy of "Outlander" by Diana Gabaldon, and now, five years and six more "Outlander" novels later, her mind is still consumed with men in kilts and rolling in the heather...but I digress.

In true Spinster style, and in accordance with the prophecy, Kim did not simply fly directly to Scotland, no no. Rather, she flew to Puerto Rico where she boarded a cruise ship bound for Spain. After docking in Malaga fourteen nights later she will fly up to Scotland from there; Because a true spinster will always opt for a transatlantic cruise whenever possible.

So now, at age 28, I am living alone. For the first time. At Spinster Mansion. Just me and the cat. It is as marvelous and spectacular as you are imagining it to be.

One thing I have learned so far is that there are quite a few things that are hilarious and awesome when two people partake in them and somehow become pitiable, sad, and straight up deranged when you do them alone. Here are some examples:

- Talking To Your Cat - especially in a slightly high pitched voice. It doesn't help when the cat has multiple ridiculous nick names; "Mr.Fluffernutter", "Leg Warmers", "Boo Boo Bunny", "Cat Mitten", "Snicklefritz", "Hair Cut Rabbit", "Gus Gus", "Gustafson", "Gustoff Gustofferson", "Augutus G.C.", Snarfle", "Fluffy Britches", "Only Man That Will Ever Love Me".
- Singing Along Loudly to Celine Dion - This was a Kim-Hannah classic car activity. Our inappropriately and unnecessarily loud singing was always accompanied by "Broadway Gay" levels of expressive/interpretive car dancing (think jazz hands, hair shaking, and dashboard fist pounding). Something about that spindly French-Canadian singer caused us to gesticulate wildly, no matter how hard the people in the cars around us stared and laughed.
A few days ago, when singing "All By Myself"  alone in my car, the people who saw me appeared frightened and a little concerned instead of amused. It may have been because I was driving standard, singing, and weeping at the same time, but who can say for sure?
- Eating Pickles Until You Feel Sick - Also not funny alone, especially when  you cry because you can't get the jar of pickles open at first.
- Laughing in camaraderie at all the stuff that is broken at the Mansion - Living in a broke-down palace was pretty funny when the two of us lived here. Shouts of "_______'s broken" were a daily ritual that made us both laugh every time. "Chair's broken", "tap's broken", "shower's broken", "window's broken", "door's broken", "furnace's broken", all of these things were funny to yell across the apartment at each other, as if the other person could somehow be UNaware that this was the case. Now, when I smell the tell tale burning plastic scent that informs me the furnace in the murder basement is on and may or may not be on fire again, I no longer have the urge to shout out "furnace's broken!". Instead,  I ponder burning alive in my twin-sized bed, and the sad, indicative, and slightly ironic obituary that would follow...."Spinster Dies Alone in Blaze, Cat Escapes through Broken Window".

I miss her terribly already.  Kim is like the air conditioning in my car, she makes life better and brings comfort instantly; and like the air conditioning in my car, I am able to live my life without her, it's just slightly uncomfortable and makes me sweat a little.

"Heart's Broken!"

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Hannah, a trip to Scotland should be in your travel plans:)