Sunday, November 3, 2013

Entry #74 - My Career as a Leg Model Takes Off, But My Immune System Fails

You should invite me to come with you when you try on wedding dresses, though I may show up wearing leopard-print rain boots and suffering from bronchitis. I'm helpful like that. As pictured above. 

Dear Diary, 
      There is something about late September/October that always results in me falling off the blog bandwagon, and this year was apparently no exception.

For a long while it felt like there was simply nothing to say post-Unicorn. It happened, I wrote about it, and then it was like there was nothing left to do but drop the proverbial mic and walk off the stage. 
One of my 7-year-old students gave this to me, and yes, it is a unicorn blowing a bubble and saying "Naa".
I couldn't think of anything more perfectly symbolic if I tried. 

"I slayed a unicorn" 
*drops mic and never blogs again*

But we know that if I stop blogging The Terrorists win, and we just can't have that. So here we go again...

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Entry #73 - Exit Surveys & Participation Ribbons

(If you didn't catch Entry #72, this one might be a tad confusing)

Dear Diary,

Well, bitches, The Unicorn is gone, so we're back to me taking pictures of myself in bed with Augustus, my flamboyant MaineCoon-Cross. Oh. Happy. Day.


I predicted it. It was far too good to be true and it had to come to an end.

We saw it coming, like a freight train down the track. We braced for impact.

It still kinda sucked.

Sometimes, in this life, you just want someone to prove you wrong.

That being said, I can't bring myself to regret it. Not even a little bit. This adventure fundamentally changed my perception of myself and what I am capable of. Apparently I had been limiting myself to the cupboard under the stairs, not knowing that I had an invitation from Hogwarts in the mail.

The universe briefly gifted me with a Unicorn, and that experience will be vividly emblazoned in my mind for as long as my synapses are firing, and perhaps even beyond. I will probably be that inappropriate little old lady at the nursing home; I won't know where I am or who I am, nor will I recognize my great-great nieces and nephews, but I will still be talking about "that time I slayed a unicorn".

"Did I tell you about that time I slayed a unicorn, Ava ?"
"It's Eva, Auntie Hannah, and yes, just this morning you told that story, remember?"
"Like one of those marble statues of Adonis, he should have seen his - "
"OKAY! - time for lunch!"

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Entry # 72 - Becoming a Model and Slaying a Unicorn

Dear Diary.

August has been a busy month to say the least, including (but not limited to) work, blackmail, threats of legal action, my first gig as a model, and an unfathomably beautiful man. Go ahead, scroll up and double check you are reading the right blog. I'll wait.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Entry # 71-B - Engaged, Enraged, Potato, Potatoe


Dear Diary,

I didn't foresee this. My life has been an exercise in juxtaposition.   

Here is an excerpt from my last blog: 

This blog was my way of expressing both acceptance and closure in regard to the men I had loved, to convey my recognition that they had found what was perfect for them (their treasure as it were), and to express hope that though I had been these two men's "trash" that I would one day find someone who considers a sassy, redheaded harpy to be "treasure". What can I say, I was feeling both generous and hopeful that day. I considered the matter of "Men I Loved" laid to rest. They were getting married and riding off into the sunset, case closed. No need to ever speak about them again.

Or at least the case was closed....

Friday, July 19, 2013

Entry #70 - And Then All Your Exes Get Engaged

Dear Diary,

I have been home visiting my family for the last 10 days, a very large percentage of which has been spent partially clothed and somewhat intoxicated on the swing in my parents backyard. It was like the school year ended, accumulated exhaustion set in, and I could not bring myself to do anything. I drank only tea and gin & tonics (sometimes both at the same time), read teen fiction, napped, and moved slowly and in small increments, much like a human sloth. It has been glorious to say the least. 

Proof: Drunk. Also, asleep. My sister Amy Edwards would like to claim photography credit on this masterpiece. 
After my ten days of shameful laziness, I have decided it is time to finally time to belatedly blog about one of life's most blessed and glorious events: the engagements of your exes.Grab yourself a Pimm's Cup and get comfortable, this is a lengthy one.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Entry #69 - In Which, Ironically, Nothing is Sexy

Is that cat wearing a bow tie? that cat WINKING at me?!
Yes and YES.
You're welcome. 

Dear Diary,

How does a person really get inspired to write? How does one get spurred into blogging after a months long absence? I will tell you: a singular cat turd. That's right, I said it. ON THE INTERNET. Not five minutes ago my cat jumped up on my desk and walked directly between me and my laptop.
"Oh HEY buddy," I said "that is a highly inconvenient place you have chosen to...why do you smell like that?"
"MEOW" (head butt into my face)
"No seriously," I replied "why do you smell like cat poop?"
At this point, he can sense my panic and makes a break for it; and as he runs (read: prances) across my living room, tail held high, I can see one singular cat turd...stuck to his fluffy pants. For a moment I don't move. I am momentarily paralyzed (except for my jaw, which has slackened considerably).

"So it's come to this..."  I said aloud to no one in particular before accepting my fate and grabbing a kleenex.

So there you have it, things that I am compelled to share on the internet.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Entry #68 - Spincognito: In which I get a real job, turn 30, and eat a lemon meringue pie by myself

While Gus may not be surprised, he is deeply disappointed to belong to a human who is such a piss poor blogger.
Dear Diary,
        I have been far too busy winning the lottery, vacationing, getting in shape, and gallivanting about with my smart, funny, attractive gentleman caller to update this blog. Okay, so none of that was even remotely reminiscent of reality. To be perfectly honest, one could not refer to that as even a vague facsimile of the truth, but I am working on this "positive thinking" bullshit business so you'll just have to bear with me.