Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Entry #38 - Easter Tidings

Signs of Spinsterhood #3

Dear Diary,

In honour of the forthcoming Easter holiday and by popular demand (popular = Vanessa), I decided to dig up some of my old Easter-themed rants from my pre-spinster era. Your eyes do not deceive you, nor is it a typo, I said "rants" plural; thus we have come to the third "sign of spinsterhood": ranting and raving like a senior citizen.

I do not believe that having a brain, an opinion, and a backbone leads to spinsterhood, not at all. When I say that ranting, raving, and complaining is a signpost on the road to spinsterdom you have to keep in mind that it is all about content, frequency, and delivery.

The content is asinine a large percentage of the time: Nothing I complain about will ever be seen on the news or written about in the New York Times. My complaints, tirades, and "meowing" (actual words of an ex-boyfriend) are almost exclusively about pointless, ridiculous things. I am sort of like a senior citizen in a retirement home who complains just for something to do and, very likely, to hear the sound of my own voice.  "It's too sunny!"

The frequency must be high: I don't think a day goes by when I don't come across something that really grinds my gears and some poor person who has to hear about it. When you are a spinster, most days are -multi-complaint days.

The delivery must be cutting and indignant: Finding something ridiculous to complain about and then delivering it in an angry and indignant fashion is kind of my specialty. Does that make me a harpy? Possibly, let's check:
Affirmative. It would appear that it does indeed make me a harpy, and we all know that men want nothing more than to find themselves a sassy, redheaded harpy. You know what most men want? A fan club of thoughtless clappers. <----OH! I just caught myself complaining! *dictated into smart phone* "April 20th, 10:05 am, complaint #1 - Content: bitter and unnecessarily mean, Frequency: first of the day, which is impressive considering I have yet to speak to anyone, Delivery: cutting, indignant, and harpy-like. A fine specimen"

Let's get on with the Easter fun! When I say Easter I mean chocolate rabbits, coloured eggs, hot cross buns, and a stat holiday. The whole crucifixion/resurrection thing is such a downer.

Finally, also ironically and appropriately, there is this post from March of 2008.


  1. Wow, if one day, I could be half as 'harpy-like' as you, I would be content. You are a living example of awesome. :)

  2. Sweet Hannah, your love of Cadbury cream eggs is just so admirable, indeed I am about to go out to purchase the very eggs:)Sadly the small Canadian versions.
    A happy harpy hopping by will make me shout "hooray",
    And if it is the red headed kind it will surely make my day.