Saturday, April 30, 2011

Entry #39 - Spinster Fitness

Dear Diary,
I've been working on my fitness for about two months now, and I must say that I have seen limited results. This may be because I often follow up a trip to the gym by sitting on the kitchen floor and eating chocolate, but I can't say for sure.
My older sister, Amy, is a fitness machine.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Entry #38 - Easter Tidings

Signs of Spinsterhood #3

Dear Diary,

In honour of the forthcoming Easter holiday and by popular demand (popular = Vanessa), I decided to dig up some of my old Easter-themed rants from my pre-spinster era. Your eyes do not deceive you, nor is it a typo, I said "rants" plural; thus we have come to the third "sign of spinsterhood": ranting and raving like a senior citizen.

I do not believe that having a brain, an opinion, and a backbone leads to spinsterhood, not at all. When I say that ranting, raving, and complaining is a signpost on the road to spinsterdom you have to keep in mind that it is all about content, frequency, and delivery.

The content is asinine a large percentage of the time: Nothing I complain about will ever be seen on the news or written about in the New York Times. My complaints, tirades, and "meowing" (actual words of an ex-boyfriend) are almost exclusively about pointless, ridiculous things. I am sort of like a senior citizen in a retirement home who complains just for something to do and, very likely, to hear the sound of my own voice.  "It's too sunny!"

The frequency must be high: I don't think a day goes by when I don't come across something that really grinds my gears and some poor person who has to hear about it. When you are a spinster, most days are -multi-complaint days.

The delivery must be cutting and indignant: Finding something ridiculous to complain about and then delivering it in an angry and indignant fashion is kind of my specialty. Does that make me a harpy? Possibly, let's check:
Affirmative. It would appear that it does indeed make me a harpy, and we all know that men want nothing more than to find themselves a sassy, redheaded harpy. You know what most men want? A fan club of thoughtless clappers. <----OH! I just caught myself complaining! *dictated into smart phone* "April 20th, 10:05 am, complaint #1 - Content: bitter and unnecessarily mean, Frequency: first of the day, which is impressive considering I have yet to speak to anyone, Delivery: cutting, indignant, and harpy-like. A fine specimen"

Let's get on with the Easter fun! When I say Easter I mean chocolate rabbits, coloured eggs, hot cross buns, and a stat holiday. The whole crucifixion/resurrection thing is such a downer.

Finally, also ironically and appropriately, there is this post from March of 2008.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Entry #37 - Spinster on the Googs

Dear Diary,
The magic of the Internet provides me with all kinds of fun and fanciful information. Here on the old Blogger, for instance, I have access to the "stats" page. The "stats" page, in case you didn't know, is where the Internet elves magically keep track of all the interesting statistical information that pertains to this blog.  Here are some of the things the elves have discovered for me recently...
This week people in 10 different countries looked at this blog, including 1 person in Peru, 2 people in India, and 2 people in Finland. I'm pretty sure there was actually only 1 person from India and 1 from Finland, and the second viewing was to show their respective Finnish and Peruvian friends how weird Canadian women are.

The most popular posts so far have been "Spinster Abroad" (parts 1 & 2), followed closely by "Bachelor Uncle Sojourn". I am not a statistician, but I'm pretty sure this proves a few things:
- I am far more interesting when drinking mojitos.
- Making fun of ugly swimwear never goes out of style.
- Muumuus ARE hilarious.
- Heather and Vanessa are both lovely, classy ladies who both draw a much larger audience than I do.
- My brother is a charming, dapper, and handsome fellow who draws a much larger audience than I do.

I have 31 followers and I would hug each and every one of them if I could.

Since it was created on Christmas day 2010, this blog has been viewed 7,860 times. At least half of those are my mom, 3 are my ex-boyfriends' current girlfriends making fun of me (and justifiably so, considering I refer to them all collectively as "Poor Man's Hannahs"), and at least 1000 are me banging at the computer like an angry monkey --> "WHAT!??? WHY IS THE FONT BLACK?!? NO ONE CAN READ THAT! BLARGH!!!!"

My mom is my biggest fan and comments on every entry without me asking her to, which I think lends a certain authenticity to my spinsterhood claim.

Perhaps the greatest find ever, though, is the "keyword search" seen in the above screenshot. The Internet elves keep track, you see, (with tiny clipboards) of exactly what people searched in google that resulted with them viewing this blog. Long story short, someone somewhere in the world searched "Spinster Vintage Porn" and ended up on this blog. This is perhaps the first time I have been  baffled, mildly disgusted, and proud all at the same time. Call me, Spinster Vintage Porn Surfer, Call me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Entry #36 - Gold, Frankincense, & Purr

Dear Diary,
      Aside from the obvious (beauty, charm, intelligence, and quite possibly, laziness) what does a redheaded spinster have in common with Cleopatra and Helen of Troy? The answer, of course, is a propensity to be showered with rare gifts.
Like the three wise men flocking to the manger, people have been presenting me with rare and wondrous items. I like to tell myself that I'm more like Jesus and less like an angry volcano god that must be appeased, but I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, so Baby Jesus may have cornered the market on gold, frankincense & myrrh, but when it comes to spinster finery I have received the cream of the crop. Rare gifts I have received include but are not limited to:

Kitty Cross Stitch: Four panels of hand-stitched hilarity. Does it hang on the wall? Does one display it on a flat surface? Am I to take up cross stitching so I can create kitty-themed coasters to fill up these little squares? I don't know! What I do know is that I feel happy every time I look at it. Thanks, SinĂ©ad!

Twin Cat Trays: The amazing thing about the twin cat trays, other than the fact that they proudly proclaim to be 100% Melamine, is that they are identical YET they were gifted to the spinster household from two completely different people; One from Kim's friend Rob, and the other from my co-worker Alice. What are the odds?! One tray holds our antique rosebud cream and sugar set, the other is on display in the living room where everyone can fully appreciate the two adorable kittens surrounded by daisies and butterflies. Thanks to "Ashdene of Australia" for producing more than one of these, and for making them dishwasher safe.

Spinster Slogan T: There isn't a cat in sight, yet this is one spinsteriffic t-shirt. It reads: "Love: I guess I'm just not wired that way". It's funny (and ever so slightly painful) because it's true! Thanks to MH for this sassy article of clothing.

Pink Porcelain Kitty Bank: Never have I longed for a mantelpiece more than when I received this work of art. Pink Kitty is ever so cleverly designed to look like she's peering inquisitively over the edge of a surface, just like a real kitty! AND she's a Kitty bank! For now she, and her adorable pink neck ribbon, will have to settle for peering over the bookshelf as Spinster Mansion lacks a fireplace. One day though, Pink Kitty, you will gaze majestically over the edge of a grand mantelpiece, as God and nature intended.  Thanks to all my beloved bit*#es for this treasure and for the many jokes about pu**y that followed.

Majestic Brass Bearded Unicorn: He's majestic. He's brass. He is bearded. He's a flipping unicorn. The Brass Bearded Unicorn has graced the bookshelf of Spinster Mansion for many months. It is not a gift that I have received, but rather one that I await giving. BBU will finally be bestowed upon my sister in spinsterhood, Sara P, when she flies in from Edmonton to pick him up in May; while in Victoria she may also visit her mom and her friends, but mostly the trip is to claim custody of BBU, obviously.