The ABCs of Spinsterhood
Whilst reading an ABC book aloud to some grade one students recently, I got to ""C" is for Cat" and thought to myself, "in the ABCs of Spinsterhood, "C" would ALSO be for cat"...
A is for AuntThere are spinsters, and there are spinster aunts.In the power pyramid of Spinsterdom, the Spinster Aunt is second only to the Spinster Great Aunt. To further break down the hierarchy, the more successful your siblings are at cohabiting and producing children, the higher you move up on the Totem Pole of Spinster Power. My sister is married with children and my brother (who is close to three years my junior) is in a successful, long term co-habitation with his lovely lady friend. Were I to come from a family of spinsters and bachelors, I would be far less conspicuous in my spinstering. Long story longer, my siblings’ success really magnifies my inability to pull it together.
When one spinster meets another spinster and the subtle battle for supremacy ensues, some topics of one-upmanship may include (but are not limited to):
How many cats you have
How long it’s been since you’ve had sex
How dark/dingy/decrepit your Spinster Mansion is
How many married/common-law siblings you have
How many nieces and nephews you have
How many weddings you have attended this season
B is for BurdenBeing a burden is a central theme to true, historical spinsterhood. If I was really committed to modern spinsterhood I would move in with my parents, and later (when they move to Florida to get away from me) I would inflict myself upon my sister or my brother... and then, in my old and especially crotchety old age, their respective children. I have been perfecting the art of being a burden for years. Emotional burden, financial burden, burden… burden. If there is a way to feel like an encumbrance to a person, I have probably found it; just ask Vanessa's husband Scott...after I lived with them for six weeks...the second time.
C is for CatsBy the dozen, by the score, the more the merrier! Spinsters love cats because we have a lot in common with them, most notably a disdainful/disgusted/disinterested glare, an air of unearned superiority, and a bizarre mix I like to call "independent dependence".
|The male who sleeps with me every night: my catpanion love, Gus.|
D is for Dying Aloneand being eaten by the letter C
E is for EroticA word I've been meaning to look up in the dictionary for some time now.
F is for FutureMysterious and uncertain to be sure. Mysterious in regard to what breed of cat I shall buy next, and uncertain in terms of just how many cats I will end up with. I would say you could safely put money on what the rest of this picture will look like.
G is for Gay BoyfriendHugs, compliments, and an abundance of attention from an attractive man never goes amiss, even if that man is repulsed by your equipment. My Gay Boyfriend Bryan is the best Spinster Manpanion a Straight Girlfriend could ask for. We read the same teen books, watch the same movies, and sing the same show tunes. He gasps in joy at the very sight of me, after which he picks me up and spins me around with his strong man arms. Man hugs are different than lady hugs, you see, and I therefore always try to get at least five man hugs in every time I see Bryan.
|I love YOU and your strong man arms, GB. It's Perfect Chemistry, well, almost.|
H is for Heterosexual Life Partner
In addition to a gay boyfriend, a spinster also requires a Heterosexual Life Partner. My HLP is Kim, who has been by my side during my most spinsterly adventures (See Entries #6-#40), from collecting cat plates at various Salvation Armies to living with me in the original Spinster Mansion. Kim now lives in Scotland, but we already have plans in place for our old age when we will go on cruises and ride around in/on a motorbike-sidecar contraption. It goes without saying that the side car will have a basket for Kim's small dogs, Rocky Balboa and Mr Bojangles. Kim also claims that she will probably only have one leg left at this time, so you should probably add that to the image you have in your mind right now. There are also jaunty neck scarves. You're welcome.
I is for “I Dreamed a Dream”the ultimate Spinster anthem, made extra famous by spinster extraordinaire Susan Boyle (God bless her). "There are dreams that cannot be", bitches; in my case it's regular sex, children, and ballroom dancing.
J is for Jane Austenwho taught us in Pride and Prejudice that the cold and disinterested men are sometimes our soul mates in disguise...and that they are secretly deeply in love with us...and not actually cold and disinterested at all. J is also for "Just Kidding", which Jane Austen clearly was.
K is for the Keepsake Collection from Wal MartNothing gives me the cold sweats like envisioning engagement jewelry bought at Wal Mart. I hope that you are thinking the same thing I thought when first discovering that Wal Mart sells wedding rings, that thought being: “SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN! PEOPLE BUY WEDDING RINGS AT WAL MART?!”. Let’s be clear, I am aware that the average person cannot afford Tiffany’s or Birks (never mind Cartier or Harry Winston), but WAL MART!? Come on, humanity! I have a not-so-secret fear that when it comes time for me to give up and buy myself a diamond ring that all I will be able to afford is the Keepsake Collection from Wal Mart.
I just checked the website to see if Wal Mart offers a cushion cut diamond set in rose gold…no dice; but they do have this ring they have cleverly called "Heart's Desire"…. Click here...if you have a strong stomach. Terrifying.
L is for Love
L of for Lonelinessmoving on…
M is for Muumuuspinster leisure wear at its finest.
N is for Nog Tuba classic yuletide tradition of spending a good portion of Christmas day alone in a bathtub, drinking rum laced soy-nog and reading a smutty romance novel.
O is for OneThe loneliest number. It is also for “plus one”, an invitation that is bizarre and unfamiliar.
P is for Poor Man’s Hannahsnoun - term applied collectively to the women my former gentleman-callers are dating/married to/having children with, post dating me.
I can’t imagine what it must be like to walk through this life knowing you gave up all this*;
that kind of deep, unshakable regret must be paralyzing. Once you've had a taste of this sassy redheaded spinster, nothing else compares. Enjoy your Poor Man’s Hannahs, sirs. I am smarter, I am better looking, I am more charming, I have superior style, I am funnier, I have excellent breasts AND I have way better hair. This is science. This is airtight and irrefutable truth, like E=MC2 or gravity. This is in no way an idea that I came up with while notably intoxicated (and alone) in the bathtub on Christmas day 2010 (see N is for Nog Tub). It is also in no way an affirmation which I say to myself in the mirror every morning. Just to review: 100% truth…and in no way the drunk ramblings of a woman who has yet to track down a man who in any way regrets losing her.
* probably a feeling similar to that of "dodging a bullet", some might say "a huge relief", also rumored to be described as "liberating".
Q is for Questionable at Best-the validity/accuracy/value of anything I have written on this blog, pretty much ever.
-whether or not more than 5 people read this blog
-my understanding of what men want.
-my grasp of conversational Spanish.
-my belief that I could be "seductive" if I tried.
-whether or not I can correctly use "quixotic" in a sentence.
R is for Romance...NovelsWhat started as a joke on a cruise ship has become a real problem for me and my heterosexual life-mate, Kim. Four years ago, on a whim, Kim and I borrowed some romance novels from a cruise ship library. We thought it would be funny to read them aloud to one another on the lido deck. Four years later, Kim is still reading her historical highland romances (and she actually moved to Scotland) and I am still reading my historical Regency/Victorian/Edwardian/Georgian romances. We have come to know more euphemisms for private parts than two spinsters need ever know.
S is for Star Warswhich doesn't really fit in the ABCs of Spinsterhood...but I really like it, and it's my blog, damn it.
T is for Therapywhich I cannot afford, so I blog instead.
U is for UnicornIn her mind, every spinster believes that the perfect manpanion of her dreams, her unicorn, is out there; he thinks her weirdness is adorable, he loves cats, and he is totally into white wine spritzers and the use of words like "interwebs". Regular single ladies are on the hunt for their "soul mate" or their prince charming, but I say f that, I want my unicorn. Souls mates exist in multiples (most of my bitches are my soul mates, for instance), whereas unicorns are so rare, so magical, that they very likely.... do not actually exist. It is a spinster paradox. If you meet someone who appears to be a unicorn, you should probably check that he is a real person and not, in fact, part of an elaborate scheme funded by friends..
"He certainly wasn't a Swiss prostitute Martha Stewart recommended..."
I'm on to you, bitches...