Monday, October 1, 2012

Entry #63 - Spinster ABC

The ABCs of Spinsterhood

Whilst reading an ABC book aloud to some grade one students recently, I got to ""C" is for Cat" and thought to myself, "in the ABCs of Spinsterhood, "C" would ALSO be for cat"...

 one down - twenty five to go...

A is for Aunt  

There are spinsters, and there are spinster aunts.In the power pyramid of Spinsterdom, the Spinster Aunt is second only to the Spinster Great Aunt. To further break down the hierarchy, the more successful your siblings are at cohabiting and producing children, the higher you move up on the Totem Pole of Spinster Power. My sister is married with children and my brother (who is close to three years my junior) is in a successful, long term co-habitation with his lovely lady friend. Were I to come from a family of spinsters and bachelors, I would be far less conspicuous in my spinstering. Long story longer, my siblings’ success really magnifies my inability to pull it together.
When one spinster meets another spinster and the subtle battle for supremacy ensues, some topics of one-upmanship may include (but are not limited to):
How many cats you have
How long it’s been since you’ve had sex
How dark/dingy/decrepit your Spinster Mansion is
How many married/common-law siblings you have
How many nieces and nephews you have
How many weddings you have attended this season

Photographs like this one help me win spinster-offs all the time, because not only does my sister have children, she has BEAUTIFUL children. Little do these two little people know that they will be saddled with their Aunty Hannah when she is old and bitter than I am already, that is. 

B is for Burden

Being a burden is a central theme to true, historical spinsterhood. If I was really committed to modern spinsterhood I would move in with my parents, and later (when they move to Florida to get away from me) I would inflict myself upon my sister or my brother... and then, in my old and especially crotchety old age, their respective children. I have been perfecting the art of being a burden for years. Emotional burden, financial burden, burden… burden. If there is a way to feel like an encumbrance to a person, I have probably found it; just ask Vanessa's husband Scott...after I lived with them for six weeks...the second time.

C is for Cats

By the dozen, by the score, the more the merrier! Spinsters love cats because we have a lot in common with them, most notably a disdainful/disgusted/disinterested glare, an air of unearned superiority, and a bizarre mix I like to call "independent dependence".
The male who sleeps with me every night: my catpanion love, Gus. 

D is for Dying Alone

and being eaten by the letter C

E is for Erotic

A word I've been meaning to look up in the dictionary for some time now.

F is for Future

Mysterious and uncertain to be sure. Mysterious in regard to what breed of cat I shall buy next, and uncertain in terms of just how many cats I will end up with. I would say you could safely put money on what the rest of this picture will look like.

G is for Gay Boyfriend

Hugs, compliments, and an abundance of attention from an attractive man never goes amiss, even if that man is repulsed by your equipment. My Gay Boyfriend Bryan is the best Spinster Manpanion a Straight Girlfriend could ask for. We read the same teen books, watch the same movies, and sing the same show tunes. He gasps in joy at the very sight of me, after which he picks me up and spins me around with his strong man arms. Man hugs are different than lady hugs, you see, and I therefore always try to get at least five man hugs in every time I see Bryan.
I love YOU and your strong man arms, GB.  It's Perfect Chemistry, well, almost. 

H is for Heterosexual Life Partner
In addition to a gay boyfriend, a spinster also requires a Heterosexual Life Partner. My HLP is Kim, who has been by my side during my most spinsterly adventures (See Entries #6-#40), from collecting cat plates at various Salvation Armies to living with me in the original Spinster Mansion. Kim now lives in Scotland, but we already have plans in place for our old age when we will go on cruises and ride around in/on a motorbike-sidecar contraption. It goes without saying that the side car will have a basket for Kim's small dogs, Rocky Balboa and Mr Bojangles. Kim also claims that she will probably only have one leg left at this time, so you should probably add that to the image you have in your mind right now. There are also jaunty neck scarves. You're welcome.
Match Set. 

I is for “I Dreamed a Dream”

the ultimate Spinster anthem, made extra famous by spinster extraordinaire Susan Boyle (God bless her). "There are dreams that cannot be", bitches; in my case it's regular sex, children, and ballroom dancing.

J is for Jane Austen

who taught us in Pride and Prejudice that the cold and disinterested men are sometimes our soul mates in disguise...and that they are secretly deeply in love with us...and not actually cold and disinterested at all. J is also for "Just Kidding", which Jane Austen clearly was.
Just kidding. 

K is for the Keepsake Collection from Wal Mart

Nothing gives me the cold sweats like envisioning engagement jewelry bought at Wal Mart. I hope that you are thinking the same thing I thought when first discovering that Wal Mart sells wedding rings, that thought being: “SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN! PEOPLE BUY WEDDING RINGS AT WAL MART?!”. Let’s be clear, I am aware that the average person cannot afford Tiffany’s or Birks (never mind Cartier or Harry Winston),  but WAL MART!? Come on, humanity! I have a not-so-secret fear that when it comes time for me to give up and buy myself a diamond ring that all I will be able to afford is the Keepsake Collection from Wal Mart.
I just checked the website to see if Wal Mart offers a cushion cut diamond set in rose gold…no dice; but they do have this ring they have cleverly called "Heart's Desire"…. Click here...if you have a strong stomach.   Terrifying.

L is for Love

just kidding,

L of for Loneliness

moving on…

M is for Muumuu 

spinster leisure wear at its finest.

N is for Nog Tub

a classic yuletide tradition of spending a good portion of Christmas day alone in a bathtub, drinking rum laced soy-nog and reading a smutty romance novel.

O is for One

The loneliest number. It is also for “plus one”, an invitation that is bizarre and unfamiliar.

P is for Poor Man’s Hannahs

noun - term applied collectively to the women my former gentleman-callers are dating/married to/having children with, post dating me. 
I can’t imagine what it must be like to walk through this life knowing you gave up all this*;

that kind of deep, unshakable regret must be paralyzing. Once you've had a taste of this sassy redheaded spinster, nothing else compares. Enjoy your Poor Man’s Hannahs, sirs.  I am smarter, I am better looking, I am more charming, I have superior style, I am funnier, I have excellent breasts AND I have way better hair. This is science. This is airtight and irrefutable truth, like E=MC2 or gravity. This is in no way an idea that I came up with while notably intoxicated (and alone) in the bathtub on Christmas day 2010 (see N is for Nog Tub). It is also in no way an affirmation which I say to myself in the mirror every morning. Just to review: 100% truth…and in no way the drunk ramblings of a woman who has yet to track down a man who in any way regrets losing her.

* probably a feeling similar to that of "dodging a bullet", some might say "a huge relief", also rumored to be described as "liberating". 

Q is for Questionable at Best

-the validity/accuracy/value of anything I have written on this blog, pretty much ever.
-whether or not more than 5 people read this blog
-my understanding of what men want.
-my grasp of conversational Spanish.
-my belief that I could be "seductive" if I tried.
-whether or not I can correctly use "quixotic" in a sentence.

R is for Romance...Novels

What started as a joke on a cruise ship has become a real problem for me and my heterosexual life-mate, Kim. Four years ago, on a whim, Kim and I borrowed some romance novels from a cruise ship library. We thought it would be funny to read them aloud to one another on the lido deck. Four years later, Kim is still reading her historical highland romances (and she actually moved to Scotland) and I am still reading my historical Regency/Victorian/Edwardian/Georgian romances. We have come to know more euphemisms for private parts than two spinsters need ever know.

S is for Star Wars

which doesn't really fit in the ABCs of Spinsterhood...but I really like it, and it's my blog, damn it.

T is for Therapy

which I cannot afford, so I blog instead.

U is for Unicorn

In her mind, every spinster believes that the perfect manpanion of her dreams, her unicorn, is out there; he thinks her weirdness is adorable, he loves cats, and he is totally into white wine spritzers and the use of words like "interwebs".  Regular single ladies are on the hunt for their "soul mate" or their prince charming, but I say f that, I want my unicorn. Souls mates exist in multiples (most of my bitches are my soul mates, for instance), whereas unicorns are so rare, so magical, that they very likely.... do not actually exist. It is a spinster paradox. If you meet someone who appears to be a unicorn, you should probably check that he is a real person and not, in fact, part of an elaborate scheme funded by friends..

 "He certainly wasn't a Swiss prostitute Martha Stewart recommended..."

I'm on to you, bitches...

V is for Vacationing Like a Senior Citizen 

If you claim to be a spinster and you are not part of at least two frequent cruiser loyalty programs then you are not living up to your full potential. I may or may not be part of both the Crown and Anchor Club with Royal Caribbean AND The Princess Captain's circle. I like vacations that require leisure shoes. Also, I never get taken on fancy dates, and thus require a fourteen night cruise with three formal nights to justify my spectacular dress collection.

W is for Wheel

I have been a third wheel, a fifth wheel, and probably at some point a seventh wheel; long story short, if you take an uneven ordinal number and add "wheel" to it, I've got that shit covered.

X is for Ex-Boyfriend

the only kind I know, other than the letter G.

Y is for You're Welcome

You are welcome, world, for constant reminders that your life is probably better than mine.

Z is for Zipper

There is always one that you cannot zip alone. I have twisted, I have turned, I have bent my body in crazy cirque du soleil contortionist style moves that have left me winded and grasping the door frame for support. I have cut a skirt off my body. Cut it off. I’m not joking. You can sing Destiny's Child "Independent Woman" all you want, that does not enable you zip that dress up alone.


  1. A great trick for the annoying zipper situation is to feed a long piece of yarn through the zipper. If you're worried about getting it back down again, just tuck the string into the dress ;) (Altough I only ever seem to have trouble with the up portion of zippers).
    Splinter's Mother

  2. Thanks, Splinter's Mother :) I will have to be extra careful as Gus tends to think that all yarn is for him to attack...

  3. I'm sorry it took me so long to read this - I'm behind on my blogs! Love this entry. J especially made me laugh.

  4. I just came across your blog and love it. Thank you-- from an overseas spinster :)

    1. Thank you! I am always happy to connect with my sisters in spinsterhood :)

  5. L is for Laughter! Absolutely love your blog, this is definitely my favourite post thus far. I also foresee D leading to C in my future. Glad I'm not alone.

    1. Hooray! It makes me really happy when my ridiculousness brings other people some happiness :) Thank you for the feedback, it is nice to be reminded that I, too, am not alone!

  6. I feel like it's a real damn shame that I don't know you for real, just read through your blog for an hour and you are rocking my world right now.
    Thank you for being hilarious and awesome.

    Also I now have to check out more Whitesnake.
    Freddy Mercury is my Dancing In My Underwear.