Saturday, December 25, 2010

Entry #19 - Yuletide Edition

Diary of a Spinster Aunt - Yuletide Edition

Dear Diary,
Oh Christmas, as welcome to a spinster as Valentine’s Day or a three-legged race. This year Gus and I have been left to our own devices here at Spinster Mansion, Kim has departed for Langley to spend time with her family and Mom and Dad have headed south to Texas to be with my sister and her family. I must admit, Diary, I was surprised that Mom and Dad chose to fly all the way to Texas when they could have just taken a ferry to stay here in Victoria with me and Gus. I mean, why go all that way to stay with my beautiful, fit sister, her charming, successful, handsome husband, and their two disgustingly adorable children?; why stay in their large, spacious, well-heated home, including your own personal guest suite and kitchen with two ovens when you can sleep on the Chiropractor’s nightmare of a futon in my 100 sq foot living room, enjoy my drafty windows and sub arctic temperatures, and experience the Russian roulette fun of cooking in an oven that has no marked numbers on the knob? Not to mention the company of a grand-cat who has recently been treated for fleas? I just don’t get how I lost that coin toss, Diary.
Anyway, Gus and I have all kinds of fun planned for Crimbo all the same, including, but not limited to:
Present Opening: I open presents and Gus plays with the paper, fun for everyone!
Skyping with the family: I get to experience the magic of Christmas through the eyes of a child, and the children get to avoid the lipstick smudged kisses and the heavy handed perfume application of a spinster aunt.
Turkey Lunch: Gus and I have decided to partake in a Swanson’s Christmas lunch this year in the spirit of getting far too drunk later to operate a microwave, let alone a gas range or oven with no marked numbers.
Gallery Walk: I take time to appreciate Kim's new work of art, "Cat Christ", which features yours truly as the Virgin Mary, Kim as Joseph, Three Wise Gays, and of course Gus as the Cat Christ.
Spinster Movie Toss Up: I decide between Pride and Prejudice, Love Actually, and Little Mermaid. I cry no matter what. I get crumbs all over the futon from the unhealthy amount of Christmas baking I consume.
Festive Internet: I watch the "Dick in a Box" video on Youtube at least 10 times in a row. I then go on Facebook to creeper my ex-boyfriends' current girlfriends. I come to the heartwarming if erroneous conclusion that I am smarter, funnier, better-looking, and more interesting than ALL of them.
 Drunken Romance Nog Tub: I read my new romance novel “A Wallflower Christmas” in the clawfoot tub while drinking booze-laced soy nog straight from the bottle. The female lead character’s name in the book? Hannah. I kid you not.
Naked Nog Nap: I go straight from the tub to my twin sized bed where I nap off all the nog I drank and dream, God willing (although he's probably NOT willing after the whole "Cat Christ" thing), of the male lead from my romance novel. I will be woken later by Gus who is testing to see if I have died alone in accordance with the prophecy, thus cuing his time to eat half of my face. I will give him kibbles instead.


  1. Hannah I think im in love with you. you are hilarious. you could become the next Neil Paschira or whatever his name is from the book of Awesome with your very own amazing witty and relatable blog. please keep doing these because they make me happy.

  2. I freakin' love these entries and i totally agree with someone who posted on your facebook that you should write a book! I would buy it for sure! Hope you had a great christmas!

  3. Thank you both for your support of my spinstering! I'll keep it coming :)