Entry #67 - Christmas at the Homestead

Dear Diary,
  First of all, congratulations to everyone on the world not ending, that was a total bonus, no? Worst apocalypse ever, thank goodness. I'm grateful to still be floating somewhat aimlessly through space (in a slightly elliptical orbit) with all of you.      

Okay, most of you.

Entry #66 - Guest Spinster Special - The Bake Off

Gus settles in to help with the blogging...

I love you, Amanda Marshall 

I met Amanda Marshall (no, not that one) a couple of years ago at my friend Anna's birthday, and it was love at first bite...and sight. Not only did she make exquisite cupcakes (chocolate, banana butter-cream, I recall peanut butter), but she was also one funny bitch. In addition, at the time she was a Spinster with multiple married siblings and a whopping 12 nieces and nephews, ergo she trumped me in the Spinster Hierarchy; a rare and impressive feat to be sure. She was my Spinster Superior.

Entry #65 - Yuletide Warm-Up

Dear Diary, 

     The holiday season is upon us once again, and with it my general disdain for the entire season. We already knew my heart was three sizes too small, but it becomes more apparent at this time of year, more pronounced. Nothing gives me a twitch quite like hearing "Feliz Navidad" or "Mary's Boy Child" for both the 1st and the 87th time. My feelings about Christmas are perhaps best summarized by the fact that I enjoy spending a large majority of Christmas Day participating in The Drunken Christmas Nog Tub. Nothing says "tis the season" like a spinster drinking alcohol AND milk products alone in the bathtub, no?

Spinster/Grinch heart. 

Entry #64 - Land of the Unicorn Slayers

Dear Diary,

     I've been listening to a lot of Whitesnake recently. I just need to get that out there. I sing/dance to it in the morning as I make tea. I sing/car dance to it whilst driving. I sing/shower dance to it in the shower. You get the idea. "Why Whitesnake?" you ask? Perhaps it is because Spinsters, much like drifters, were born to walk alone. Perhaps it's because I am just another heart in need of rescue. It might also be because I know what it means...to walk along the lonely street of dreams. Did you just catch all those Whitesnake lyrics I snuck in there? You're welcome. In truth, my obsession with a song dedicated to the awesomeness of striking out on ones own (in combination with a music video featuring an abundance of giant permed hair and a woman doing gymnastics/modern dance on the hood of not one, but two Jaguars...?) is not surprising considering I now live alone. For the first time. For real.

Entry #63 - Spinster ABC

The ABCs of Spinsterhood

Whilst reading an ABC book aloud to some grade one students recently, I got to ""C" is for Cat" and thought to myself, "in the ABCs of Spinsterhood, "C" would ALSO be for cat"...

 one down - twenty five to go...

Entry #62 - Spinster Quarterly

Hello Goodbye Summer 

Dear Diary,

   Oh geez. I have neglected you for the entire summer season. Poor form. Usually the only time you see this kind of drawn out, persistent lack o' commitment is when you're filling in the very center of a venn diagram depicting the men I have dated. Speaking of which, they may tell you that I am a sub-par ladyfriend, but to them I say this: I am an even worse blogger, sir, so there. If I can't pull it together and write more than one blog entry in the fall I may need to rename the blog "Spinster Quarterly".

Entry #61 - Spinster on Sabbatical

 
 OH there you are, Diary!...right where I left you...fancy that.

My most profuse apologies for neglecting you, Diary, I totally fell off the wagon. Remember last autumn when I took a month off from writing in the old blog and we called it a Spintermission? This most recent break was a little bit longer than an intermission, and technically speaking I took a break from spinsterdom in general and not just blogging, so we will call this most recent discontinuance a Spinster Sabbatical. Yes, that has a nice scholarly ring to it, let's run with that.

Entry #60 - Perhaps Mr.Collins has a Cousin...

Entry #60 - Diamond Jubilee Edition

Dear Diary,

    As I sit here, staring at a blank blogger template whilst eating Nutella straight from the jar, I can't help but wonder; where in the hell did March (and my self control) go?? Come to think of it, the first half of April is kind of a hazy blur as well. What have I been doing? ....

...well, for the last 20 minutes I have been watching Youtube videos of Eric Northman instead of writing this blog, talk about attention deficit.

Focus, Spinster, focus!

Let's see, I have built an Ikea coffee table, watched "Kindergarten Cop" with Scott, posted 184 tweets on the Twitter, made pancakes for teenagers from Japan, found myself to be slightly aroused by the Game of Thrones theme music....what else...

Entry #59 - "Are you the Spinster Aunt?"

Dear Diary,

      A few weeks ago I was...recognized. Not in the usual way, no no. Usually when I am recognized it is by a baffled young student who is surprised to see me outside of a school setting. Some children are happy to see me, some are excited to see me, and some, much like a miniature ex boyfriend, are a little embarrassed to see me and wonder if they can avoid acknowledging my presence altogether.
   
This was different, this time I was recognized not as Miss G, but rather as the Spinster Aunt, as in *slight head tilt* "Are you the Spinster Aunt"? To which I replied after a moment of stunned silence "...Yes. Yes I am". I was both extremely proud and mildly abashed at the same time; proud that this impartial stranger really enjoyed the blog and found it to be funny, and mildly embarrassed as every blog I have ever published flashed through my mind...all of the many, many pictures and stories. I realized all at once that this person right in front of me, whom I had never met before, may have read all about the fact that I:

Entry #58 - My Funny(Looking) Valentine

Dear Diary,

 

        I really like February, I always have. If I had been given a choice in utero (as an advanced fetus of unparalleled cognitive capabilities), I would have chosen to arrive a week early on Monday, February 28th, 1983. February has an allure that March lacks, a certain mystique of sorts. February is the shortest month (supply and demand?), the month of leap days (birthday jackpot), and most importantly, it is the month that contains Groundhog Day. When they add the Family Day stat holiday in 2013 I shall declare February the King of Months! Hurrah!

Oh,
and Valentine's Day.
That's in there too. 

Entry #57 - Twitster? Spitter?…ugh, nevermind - Spinsterhood in Tweets

Dear Diary,

I am doing that thing that I swore I would never do. No, not that thing! Gross! The other thing...

I was recently signed up for the Twitters. The verb use is correct, signed up - as in someone else created an account without my knowledge and then sent me the login information. Twitter conscription, if you will.

Entry #56 - It'll be a Snow Day in Hell...

Dear Diary,

I shall at length complain about my champagne problems. If you want something uplifting, it isn’t this. There is no only a smidgeon of crying though, which is a refreshing change from the last 3 entries.

Entry #55 - Spinster New Year - Resolutions for Underachievers

Dear Diary,
 
 If the sudden arrival of Christmas was a sneak-up-and-slap-me-across-the-face kind of surprise, then the arrival of Two Thousand Twelve is the back-handed slap that immediately followed the first slap. The indignation at the first slap is still fresh, so the backhand leaves me a spluttering a stream of nonsensical swear words; "dock trugger saint whacker!". Now that I have had a few days to transition I am feeling somewhat optimistic about 2012, in the dangerous "it can't be much worse than 2011" tempting fate kind of way.