Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Entry #64 - Land of the Unicorn Slayers

Dear Diary,

     I've been listening to a lot of Whitesnake recently. I just need to get that out there. I sing/dance to it in the morning as I make tea. I sing/car dance to it whilst driving. I sing/shower dance to it in the shower. You get the idea. "Why Whitesnake?" you ask? Perhaps it is because Spinsters, much like drifters, were born to walk alone. Perhaps it's because I am just another heart in need of rescue. It might also be because I know what it means...to walk along the lonely street of dreams. Did you just catch all those Whitesnake lyrics I snuck in there? You're welcome. In truth, my obsession with a song dedicated to the awesomeness of striking out on ones own (in combination with a music video featuring an abundance of giant permed hair and a woman doing gymnastics/modern dance on the hood of not one, but two Jaguars...?) is not surprising considering I now live alone. For the first time. For real.

It's probably because they are the 85th greatest rock band of all time (according to VH1).  Also, this woman's name is Julie, but she chose to go by "Tawny"... oh the 80's.

Declaration of Spindependence + State of Emergency

My beloved room mate, Heather, moved out in September to live with her cousin; she asked me to go with her (God bless her charitable soul), but this spinster is becoming crotchety and adverse to change in her old age, so I remained with Gus at the Subterranean Spinster Mansion. I wasn't sure how "living alone" would go for me, seeing as I had never done it for more than two or three weeks at a time, and always as a temporary arrangement. I was pretty worried that it would be awful, but it turns out I only had about 24 hours of self-reflection before my friend Vanessa's insides exploded and she wound up in the hospital and had to undergo emergency surgery. Nothing reminds you that living by yourself is no big deal like someone you dearly love nearly kicking the bucket. Message received, Vanessa, but that was a pretty extreme way to show me what matters. Next time use your words.
"I'm going to take a picture to show you what the back of your head looks like! You've crushed "The Kraken"..."  

As an aside, if you are ever hospitalized, I am a super helpful, comforting, and extremely appropriately behaved visitor. My opening line after your near death experience will certainly not be "this is going to be the best diet ever". I will not commentate about how pleased I am that you are really getting your money's worth out of the universal medical system ("an ambulance ride, an operation, extra blood AND a bed with a view!? Way to order the full meal deal, bitch!"), nor will I let you know every 15 minutes how much urine is now in the plastic bag attached to your bed ("look at that, Sweetheart, 750 ml! Super job!"). You can also count on me NOT to peek when the nurse changes your dressing and to declare loudly "it looks like an alternative teenager down there", nor will I try to force feed you all the liquid items on your food tray using a French accent ("Zee Ensure is delicieux, non? What do you mean it tastes like a melted white chocolate Easter rabbit from Wal Mart? Certainement they 'ave used real bourbon vanilla"). If the psych ward wasn't at the other hospital, I'm pretty sure Nurse Jackie and Nurse Kelly would have thought I wandered away from there. Sometimes when I'm anxious I make jokes...
Out on the town getting Vanessa her exercise at the Home Sense. Thanks for not expiring, dearest love. XO

If the women don't find you handsome datable, they should at least find you handy domestic

The first weekend AE (after explosion) came along and I had made zero plans for myself as I had been somewhat preoccupied with more important things (see: pee jokes, execution of, appropriateness thereof). I didn't want to just sit at home and think about my little Vanessa and what could have happened, so instead I decided I would do something that required attention, something that would not be pointless or frivolous, something that would take a lot of time....I would....make...jam. YES! Genius! I can give it to people as Christmas gifts! (surprise ruined! You're welcome in advance!)
I googled some recipes, bought a whole bunch of fruit and jars, got Netflix, and became a jam making machine. So it has become, that when I am not taking Vanessa out for her "excercise" at Home Sense, I am at home, watching back to back seasons of MI5 while cutting up copious amounts of fruit, boiling jars, and failing to understand the difference between liquid and powdered pectin. 
Spinster Aunt Jam: When Bitterness is Sweet
Good things about living alone:
-Dancing in your underwear to Whitesnake whenever you feel like it.
-Two bathroom drawers.
-A second bedroom that you rename "closet room".
Yes, that is an entire closet dedicated to dresses. You know, for all the fancy, romantic dates I go on. 

Lost in the Land of the Unicorn Slayers

I attended a birthday party for my friend, Anna, recently. Anna is a genuine beauty (like Jennifer Connelly, but with better eyebrows and greener eyes), a fact which I try hard not to hold against her because she also happens to be a lovely human being all around. I usually only see her when I am with my friend Katie B, so I hadn't really met most of her other friends. 
As soon as I arrive at the party I can sense that something is amiss, but I can't quite put my finger on it; I mean...everyone is very friendly and welcoming...there is cheese. As more ladies arrive it is easier to piece together the mystery...as I look around, I realize that I am surrounded by the types of ladies that can wear fake leather pants and sheer blouses and look totally awesome. I can say that with total and complete confidence because one of them was actually wearing fake leather pants and a sheer blouse, not to mention these cool Goldie Hawn bangs, and she looked totally awesome. As I drink my wine and awkwardly pull at my sweater dress, I know that one thing is certain: I regret everything I have ever purchased from Reitmans. I also regret pulling my black socks up over my leggings. 

The evening progresses, more attractive ladies arrive, and by a random twist of fate, it becomes known that one of these ladies works with my Unicorn (mystical man of unspeakable perfection whom you can never, ever,ever catch, hence Unicorn), and the discussion of his unfathomable perfection ensues. My description of his exquisiteness in all areas leads to a larger group discussion of the men these woman are dating/married to/engaged to be married to. One of them actually says, "but...I am with my Unicorn". "No, no," I reply "a unicorn, by it's very definition, is un-catchable; perhaps you are with your Prince Charming". She seems unconvinced, and it is at this point that smart phones are whipped out left right and center, Facebook is launched, and pictures of manfriends are brought up....

 It was like flipping through a calendar, and that calendar was entitled "Dreamboats: 2013". 

And then I knew: 

I was awash in a sea of real life Unicorn slayers. 

I should have figured it out sooner, I mean Anna's boyfriend is a ridiculously handsome Brit who is acquainted with Prince William. Come on, Hannah, one degree of separation from a literal prince. 

At least they don't know about the blog, I thought to myself, just play it cool and no one need know you specialize in rejection...

"I've read your blog" one of them says. 


Well, the Unicorn Slayers may wake up beside Ben Affleck look alikes, but sometimes I wake up with a cat on my head. So, there's that.   
I will neither confirm nor deny that I nearly dislocated my shoulder in an effort to reach my phone without disturbing Gus.  He has both paws on my face, and at one point had his face down between his paws, because he (like his mama) is completely ridiculous. 

Unrelated and Yet Totally Necessary  

In other news, I received this picture from a kindergarten student.

"Is everything happy in this picture, Ethan?"
"Yes, even the grass"
"I'm getting a really content Buddhist vibe from this picture, Ethan, I'm really into it"

This will take up valuable real estate on the front of my fridge for YEARS. 
Yes. Just, Yes. 

Also, I have been snuggling a lot of tiny babies recently, which has been pretty stupendous. I truly love an opportunity to really put the Aunt in Spinster Aunt by forcing my love and affection on other people's babies.  
Thanks to mamas Caitlin (Russell) and Meg (Alexander) for giving this Spinster some snuggle time with the fellas. 

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