Saturday, September 8, 2012

Entry #62 - Spinster Quarterly

Hello Goodbye Summer 

Dear Diary,

   Oh geez. I have neglected you for the entire summer season. Poor form. Usually the only time you see this kind of drawn out, persistent lack o' commitment is when you're filling in the very center of a venn diagram depicting the men I have dated. Speaking of which, they may tell you that I am a sub-par ladyfriend, but to them I say this: I am an even worse blogger, sir, so there. If I can't pull it together and write more than one blog entry in the fall I may need to rename the blog "Spinster Quarterly".

The Further Adventures of Miss G

This summer, July was monopolized by teaching an ESL high school summer camp, which was a six-day-a-week English learning/sight seeing/cultural immersion program. If I could post pictures of my students' antics without getting sued/fired I totally would, because words cannot quite capture the hilarity that ensues when teenagers from all over the world are thrown together for weeks on end. There was a rubber duck, communication charades on a minute to minute basis, and the universally acknowledged threat that I would punch the students if they were caught speaking anything other than English. I never actually punched any of them (other than a few well placed air punches), but it was pretty entertaining to overhear a student from Japan telling a student from China "Only English, or Miss G punch us". Let us review: sub-par ladyfriend, worse blogger, even worse teacher.

Kimmy Returns

After my time with the ESL teens ended, Kim arrived from Scotland for a visit. In case you do not recall, Kim is my hilarious and amazing hetero-life-partner-in-spinsterdom who was featured heavily in the first 39 entries of this blog (up until she moved to Scotland last year to pursue her dreams of kilt lifting and heather rolling). Being reunited with Kimmy was pretty outstanding, and in the style of Barbara Streisand we went straight back to "the way we were". This means that we ate half of Japan, cackled obnoxiously loud, sang soft favourites in the car (also obnoxiously loud), and lazed about the house reading smutty historical romance...a large percentage of the time. 

Who wants to buy me a teacup pig? 

Road Tripping with Ashley Husband-Finder

Sadly, Husband-Finder is not really her last name, but a name I bestowed upon her the first time I met her. I like to think of it as her spirit name. It became quite apparent shortly after meeting H-F last December that she is the polar opposite of a spinster. The men-folk flock to her, and a large percentage of them seem very interested in throwing a marriage sack on her. If this were Pride and Prejudice, her dance card would be full and I would be eating stale tortilla chips in bed alone while listening to a medley of Disney music and blogging about spinsterdom. Oh wait, scratch that last bit, that's what's happening right now. If this were Pride and Prejudice, Ashley H-F's dance card would be full, and I would be inquiring if Mr.Collins has a cousin. Thus far the Ashley H-F magic has not rubbed off on me, I remain as spinsterly as ever. But I am hopeful for the future, perhaps I will learn the ways of the H-F in time for the 2016 Rio Olympic Games. 

For the last 10 days of August, H-F and I drove down the Pacific Coast of the USA to San Francisco. Our accommodations ranged from a KOA "Kabin" to the Marriott in Napa. We went to a cheese factory one day and to the spa the next. We drank bottles of Trader Joe's $2 wine at the beginning of the trip and sampled (a little too extensively) $189 bottles of wine in a candle lit cave in Napa at the end of the trip. Did you know that if you say you would like to "revisit" a wine that they will just fill up your glass again? Did you also know that this sometimes results in the need to put a picnic blanket down in a field of rocks and prickly weeds near the winery parking lot so you can have a nap after? Me neither.

The Oregon coast is as beautiful as everyone says it is, but you know what else was beautiful? Everything I ate!

I would have to say that the highlight of the trip for me was walking through the redwood forest in California. This may sound surprising to many, as I am usually heavily motivated by shopping and eating. This particular part of the redwood forest, however, is where George Lucas filmed scenes for Return of the Jedi. That's right, bitches, I was frolicking about on the FOREST MOON OF ENDOR. I totally had a snack in my purse, just in case I found an ewok. 

Hugging a tree that is older than Jesus at the Jedediah Smith Redwoods State Park AKA Endor. Jealous?
So that was Return of the Jedi, to carry on the Star Wars theme:

The Empire Beige Curtains Strikes Back

In one sense I totally deserved this, for I fully admit that it is both unkind and childish of me to refer to my ex-boyfriends' current girlfriends collectively as "Poor Man's Hannahs" and "Beige Curtains". Funny, but not fair or kind. In my defense, I didn't actually think any of them would read this. I don't even know how or why they would know it exists. And in truth, no one is mocked on this blog more than I mock myself. I'm pretty sure I have referred to myself as "man repellent". There may have also been an instance where I said that I am pretty the same way a magic eye is visible; from certain angles and in certain lights (it also helps if you cross your eyes a little). I could sue myself for defamation of character.

 So, summer is over and school is back in session. As of yesterday I am halfway to my 30th birthday. I wasn't joking about listening to Disney medleys. You're welcome.

1 comment:

  1. Can't wait to reunite at Jam and hear more about your trip to SF! I will definitely continue to defend your honour, Hannah!