Saturday, September 24, 2011

Entry #51 - Navigating the Spinsternet

Dear Diary,
     Ahh the internets; a series of tubes and wires that continues to both enlighten and befuddle me. Back in April I wrote an entry called "Spinster on the Googs", which was all about the various statistics I have access to that pertain to this blog. I thought it was time to re-visit that topic, both in the interest of posterity and for the simple fact that (for some reason I do not understand) Vanessa liked that entry the best...and, since I seem to live with Vanessa and her husband for at least 8 weeks every year, I feel it is in my best interest to keep her happy! Here we go!

How, pray tell,  did you get here?
The "search keywords" results continue to provide me with a colourful mix of information. This is the page where the internet elves write down everything that people have searched in the Googles that resulted in them viewing this blog. Back in April I thought that "Vintage Spinster Porn" was going to be the weirdest thing I ever came across; a belief I have added to the increasingly large list entitled "Things I have been sadly, sadly mistaken about" (the list is getting rather long, but I think I can squeeze it in right below "He'll regret this one day" and above "surely this is the last time I will cry about this on the bathroom floor"). I have laughed pretty hard (and often awkwardly and uncomfortably) at the bizarre things people will search for on the world wide webs. I think it's safe to assume that the people who searched the following keywords must have been deeply and sorely disappointed by what they found here, to which I say, "take a number".

-"spinster 1st time porn tales"
-"hot spinster"
-"ugly spinster porn"
-"Miss Frizzle porn" (not pictured)
-"diary entry for the fruit avocado" (not pictured)
and finally, and most disturbingly...
-"boy forced to wear girl clothes by spinster aunt"
(speechless, right? You and me both...)

Here is what I have surmised from the above information:
-other people are as curious as I was about albino avocados and their first instinct, just like mine, is to google for more information. I hope that they are better equipped than I was to deal with the emotional cost of possessing such an ill fated plant.
-porn is really popular.
-of the men who like porn (read: all men) a very small percentage of them prefer spinsters specifically.
-There may be a man out there for me yet.

"I'm really big in Costa Rica"
Most people who read this blog live in Canada, which totally makes sense as I too live in Canada. These are the people I see face to face most frequently, and thus, they are the most obligated interested. I know my brother Adam sometimes reads spinster entries aloud to his friends, which I  am quite positive is causing him to lose friends at a rapid pace super fun for everybody. One thing I can tell you for certain is that moms love this blog.  This is probably because when it is not "bleak and depressing" (recent words of an ex, I kid you not), it's kind of wholesome and often features adorable cats! I know you're reading this, Chloe's mom, and if I ever meet you I am hugging you, and don't you try to stop me. My Mom ("Mimama") is perhaps the most committed Canadian reader; she is known to read every entry multiple times and then force her co-workers at school to read it as well (Hi, Bev!). So committed is Mimama, that I have received multiple enraged phone calls due to some glitch that won't allow her to comment anymore. Were it not for this glitch, she would still be commenting on every entry, I swear!

The second most popular source of readership is The USA, or as I like to call it, The Americas. This makes sense as well, for that is where my sister and her her family live, along with 330 million other Americans. If it weren't for my sister and her kids this blog would just be Diary of a Spinster, which is kind of like taking the "sex" out of "Sex and the City"; nothing left but drinking and bitching . The Americas is also home to "The ladies in Chicago" whom I have never met, but whom I like immensely ever since one of them walked up to my sister at a wedding and referred to her as "the sister of the Spinster Aunt". Not "The hot, fit, mother of two adorable children", no no, "the sister of the Spinster Aunt". Hilarious and amazing, ladies in Chicago, hilarious and amazing.

It would make sense for the UK to be number three on the list of readers. Mimama's whole side of the family is over there and now Kimmy lives there too. I even lived there for a year after high school!  However, the UK is beat out by....Costa Rica. What? I've never even been to Costa Rica! I don't know a single person there. I can only think of one person in my acquaintance who has even visited. If you are reading this and you live in Costa Rica could you maybe email me and let me know how you came across this blog, because I am intrigued. Seriously. Email me. Also, if you are from the Netherlands or Malaysia (#7 and #9 respectively), drop me a line.

Angry Accounting Elves
I know there are people who make money blogging, but I can assure you that I am not among them. The accounting elves are among the most disgruntled and disgusted of the internet elves. This blog has made a whopping $6.86. Total. Ever. For those of you who need a little help with the calculations, as I did, that's 0.13 cents per entry. For a gal who has been grossly undervalued by more than one man, even I can admit that this is pathetic. There are children in developing nations who make more money. The good news is, I don't (read: am unable) do it for the money. I do it because Counselor Pat said I should.

Get Off My Internet
Much like my browsing of the "search keywords", it has also become habitual for me to read the list of "referring sites". This is simply a list of the websites sites that have directed people here. Usually it's just Facebook, but one day it read like this instead:
"Facebook, Facebook, Stumble Upon, Facebook, Facebook, Facebook, Get Off  My Internet, Facebook...wait a second! Get Off My Internet? "
Of course I clicked on it; for a masochist who deals poorly with rejection, it was the only choice.  "This is it," I thought to myself as the page loaded, "the Poor Man's Hannahs have finally banded together". The site opens and I notice two things almost simultaneously:
- a picture of two adorable kittens fighting
- the phrase "we all have reasons a particular blog or blogger annoys us"

My mind is confused by the opposing stimuli... I am terrified, but the kittens are so  adorable! Terror quickly wins over when I realize that this is indeed a site dedicated to things that people hate on the internet...oh God. I prepare for the worst. I manage to locate where Diary of a Spinster Aunt is mentioned, and lo and's someone being nice...on a site about things people hate. It's a f*$%ing miracle! Sorry for swearing, moms!

The moral of this story (I'm talking to you Poor Man's Hannahs) is that if you feel the need to criticize me, it would be helpful if you could refrain from actually linking anything to this blog. If you want people to see for themselves exactly why I am "the worst", perhaps you could just instruct them to search in google for "ugly spinster porn", it'll lead them right here!

Total page views: 15,526
Most popular entry: # 45 Spinster at the Homestead - Not surprising, it features my brother and sister who are both, as previously mentioned, way cooler than I am. Also, there are axes and crepes.
Followers: 41 - and might I add, 41 people with exquisite taste!  If you send me your address, I will send you some spinster correspondence in the form of a thank you card :)


  1. Oh, great... I had planned to spend my days off getting things done, and now? Now I am going to be checking up on my blog's google stats. Thanks for that, Hannah. *wink*

    P.S. My mom was visiting last week, so I didn't send you that little item I told you about. If I have time tomorrow between google stats, I'm planning to get it posted. 8-)

  2. Hannah, I have to say that there are times that your blog gets a little grim and resonates a bit too much with my own life (in which I'm single and have borrow nieces and nephews, because I don't have my own)but you inevitably find the humour and I thank you for that. Even though people are looking at me funny as I giggle alone in a coffee shop, with a fresh highlander romance novel in my bag... Keep up the good work.

  3. Uhhhh....... hello? Knocky knocky! Anyone home? It's almost DECEMBER, ya know. Just sayin'.