Saturday, February 19, 2011

Diary of a Spinster Aunt: Spinster Abroad - Part Deux

Dear Diary,
   I feel confident in declaring the Hawaii portion of "Cabowaii 2011" a success. If this vacation were the talent portion of a beauty pageant, I would have just nailed my baton twirling routine.

- Departure: Our flight to Honolulu leaves at 8am, so I am forced to wake up at O'Dark thirty in order to make it to the airport in time. In the line up for check-in I spot my landlord and the owner of Spinster Mansion, Wally, in line with his wife. I guess Wally must have a mason jar marked "Heating Bill Spinster Mansion Hawaii Fund". Enjoy spending my money on macadamia nuts you bastard!
- Shuttle of Eternity: In true spinster fashion, Vanessa and I are the very last people on the shuttle bus to Honolulu. I assure her that while she may be frustrated and over air-conditioned, I have become accustomed to the sensation of being "the last piece of luggage on the carousel".
- The Queen Kapiolani: Our room on floor ten has a giant wet spot on the carpet and an appropriately musty smell to match. Vanessa demands a new room. Up to floor sixteen we go.

- MUUMUUS: I am overwhelmed by the quantity of muumuus. Muumuus in every shape, colour, and size. However, it is when we discover T&L Muumuu factory that I am finally struck dumb. It is Muumuu HEAVEN.

-Down Time: Vanessa and I (and later Heather when she joined us) recline on our respective beds and watch Anderson Cooper on CNN. This is a special treat for two reasons - First, neither of us has cable at home, and second, it is a truth universally acknowledged that you can`t "punch the handsome off Anderson Cooper".

-Hula La - In an unfortunate turn of events, while breakfasting in a small coffee shop one morning, we are forced to watch shirtless Polynesian men dance.  As you can see in the picture, they were not in good shape at all. My jaw did not slacken at the sight of their bronzed bodies moving in time with the music.  I most certainly had no wish to rub sun lotion on the one with the beautiful smile, nor was a primal urge awoken with in me when they started slapping their bodies and chanting during a traditional Aotearoa dance. In no way did they inspire us to immediately go and purchase tickets to the Polynesian Cultural Centre, from whence they came.

Lounging - I lounge and read romance novels both in my Hawaiian print kaftan and in my one-piece bathing suit . I manage to look enormously pregnant doing both. I vow to lay off the macadamia nuts. I eat more macadamia nuts.

Pancakes -  Vanessa and I decide that we should eat some macadamia nut pancakes while in Hawaii. We order one order of pancakes and a fruit parfait. What arrives is the biggest plate of pancakes I have EVER SEEN. People stop and stare, children cry, somewhere nearby a record cuts out. Vanessa and I sit in shocked silence for at least a minute. In the end we eat about half of one giant pancake. There are still two and a half pancakes left. I go on a tirade about obesity in America. I then take the rest of the pancakes to go and eat most of them over the next few days.

Spinster Dialogue - Heather and I continue on with our Mexican born tradition of speaking in quotes from Pride & Prejudice and Disney. Here is an example:
``Is there an ABC near by?``
``I think there's one just around the river bend``
(we counted 31, apparently there are 40)

1 comment:

  1. Hawaiian Hilarity! Still wiping the tears from my eyes. I think another Hawaiian getaway MUST be in the works!