Monday, February 7, 2011

Diary of a Spinster Aunt - Spinster Abroad

Dear Diary,
    One of the many benefits of spinsterhood is the ability to travel on a whim. On New Year's Eve I received a call from my beloved "Spinster's Apprentice", Heather (equally as magical as a sorcerer's apprentice, only with more cats). After a brief conversation we came to the conclusion that Valentine's Day, along with much of the time leading up to it, should be spent abroad. From planning to execution, here's how it went:

I try to rationalize going to Boca Raton so I can buy a sequined golf cap and terry cloth track suit. You know, to blend in with the locals. I realize quite quickly that Heather, at only 23 years of age and still a spinster's apprentice, may not be ready for such full-force spinsterdom. So, I settle by taking the letters from "Boca" and scrabbling them up to make "Cabo". Problem solved. Me-hi-co it is.

Heather brings up the idea of going to Hawaii as well. Drawn to the birthplace of the muumuu like Frodo to the ring, I immediately accept.

We change the name of the Vacation to "Cabowaii".

Stand-by travel forces us to go to Calgary at the last minute in order to get to Cabo on time. I only have ballet flats or flip flops for shoes. It's minus twenty. After "letting ourselves into" Heather's sister's house (she was in Hawaii) we spend a night helping ourselves to tea and crackers. Thanks, Kristy!

We finally make it to Cabo. The customs line up is sizable. We share the earbuds to my ipod so we can listen to Disney songs while we wait. This ingenious idea was based on Heather's airtight logic that "it makes lining up in Disneyworld more fun". We proceed to have more fun than everyone else. "A whole new wooooorrrrrllllddd!"

 We arrive at our hotel only to discover that "All Inclusive" actually means "Drinks Inclusive". I momentarily consider the protein and vitamin content of a piña colada, then defer to Heather's logic of changing hotels. After much ado, we relocate to a much superior hotel which is more appropriately populated with people born between 1930 and 1950.

We settle into a steady routine of drinking mojitos and eating everything. By day one we know which bar tender makes the best mojitos, his name is Humberto.

We follow the basic tenets of spinster swimwear:
-one piece only, no bikinis
-"eye catching" print, preferably reminiscent of a prior decade.
- a swimdress is preferable, the more like a Russian figure skater the better.
- an inappropriate plunge is always appropriate
- ruching

In the evenings, Heather and I relax in our separate queen sized beds and I read aloud to her from my historical romance novels. Some of our favourite spinster quotes are:
-"She wasn't a girl, after all. She was in her eight and twentieth year, well past the age of orange blossoms and spring weddings". (That reminds me diary, I must put pen to cat-themed stationary and send out the invites for my birthday next month. My 28th birthday).
-"Unlike many spinsters, she had not been made to feel a burden or out of place"
-"There must be something. Something you dream about when you should be listening to the old lady sitting next to you droning on about cats".
-"It could have been worse, Jasper thought. She could've been going to see...hmm. Actually, there weren't to many things worse than an elderly maiden aunt".

Heather gets lost in downtown Cabo for multiple hours one night. I am fairly certain she has been kidnapped or murdered. Turns out she found a hammock somewhere and watched The Davinci Code with Spanish subtitles.

Well, Diary, after a one day turn around, I'm off to Hawaii tomorrow. Rest assured that my Hawaiian print kaftan is already packed.

PS favourite Heather quote of the trip:  "I've had worse things in my mouth"

1 comment:

  1. Well I can't wait for the Hawaii adventures! Grass skirts and coconut shells could be the new Spinster outfit, worn under a lovely kaftan of course.