Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Entry #44 - Synonyms for "Burden"

Dear Diary,
    I am sorry I have neglected you. Moving out of spinster mansion sapped me not only of my time and energy, but I am also now without Gus and my twin sized bed. This may seem a poor excuse for not writing, Diary, but I am very much a Spinster of habit and find it off-putting when I cannot write in my usual place. Currently I am sitting at a desk in front of an imac, when usually I write whilst reclining in my twin sized bed with my laptop on my gut and Gus on my legs, tea to my right and Smart Pop to my left. Long story short, it took me a while to pull it together.

I have returned to the place where Diary of a Spinster Aunt was born; the place where I ate crumble straight from the baking dish, read the circulars while drinking gin in the bathtub, and generally made a burden of myself for numerous weeks until Kim returned to Victoria and we moved into Spinster Mansion. That place is S&V's house.

Many, many months before my final foray into relationship-land ended in a philandering form of treachery, my friend Vanessa (from Spinster Abroad part Deux) informed her husband Scott that "Hannah may be coming to stay with us at some point in the future". She informed him of this not because I had discussed with her the possibility of my staying at their home, but rather because sometimes the people who love us may recognize and accept the bitter and painful truth LONG before we do, but are kind enough to keep it to themselves until we are ready to acknowledge it. It is akin to a passage in one of my historical romance novels that read "by eight and twenty, her aunt and uncle had acknowledged she was destined for spinsterhood and had set aside a small, but well appointed room for her in their home". Thus, when I phoned her 10 months ago, sobbing like a runner-up in a toddler beauty pageant, Vanessa simply said "The spare room is ready for you, pal, come on over". And come over I did... for the next six weeks; bringing with me (much to her husband's dismay) all my hastily packed worldly possessions and a possible case of mild depression.

Having all my stuff at Vanessa's house is kind of like hanging fuzzy dice in a Rolls Royce, or perhaps like placing a plastic pink flamingo in a zen garden, your choice.  Everything about Vanessa is classy and stylish, whereas I can sometimes give off a more laissez-faire vibe. Vanessa is the Bellagio or the Vdara, whereas I am more like the Golden Nugget or the Flamingo (flamingo again, I sense a pattern of tackiness...). Don't get me wrong, I am well groomed and am by no means a dirty hipster. No one, upon seeing me walk down the street, would be forced to ask themselves "Hipster or Homeless?©". That being said, most of my furniture DID come from the salvation army and I have been known to shop at Wal Mart every now and then.  On that note, I can tell you that when your world falls apart like the crappy press board desk you bought at the Wal Mart, the best place to be is at S&V's house. Just some of the reasons why it is really, really good here are as follows:

The Bathroom - I know I have a tendency to exaggerate sometimes, but believe me when I tell you that the bathroom here is PALATIAL. Kohler fixtures, custom-made cabinetry, a toilet lid that CANNOT slam, and best of all...a heated marble floor. That's right ladies and (five) gentlemen, at some houses when you lay on the bathroom floor and cry, it like getting a warm and swanky hug. In addition, Vanessa selects, purchases, and folds towels like an OCD Martha Stewart, so you can always count of a nice stack of plush, uniformly folded, colour-coordinated towels to lay your emotionally unbalanced head on.  Last but not least, it is always meticulously clean in there and S&V purchase only 3-ply toilet paper. I would live in this room if I could.

Vanessa - In the words of Tina Turner, she's simply the best. Some might say better than all the rest.

The Spare Room -  Now known as "H's Room", the spare bedroom features a bed much larger than the one I slept in at spinster mansion, along with fabulous interior design and a chandelier.

Scott - like any other man, he is not immune to my reverse-magnetism. He puts up with my presence with a stoic silence and some well-placed air punches. I also like Scott because when Vanessa and I made a list of things for her and I to do around the house while I am living here, such as "paint living room" and "finish garden" he added "cry less" to the bottom of it, which is both hilarious AND a reasonable request, all at the same time. It also shows that crying while lying on a marble surface really allows the noise to carry.  

Tea Time - Vanessa's tea cupboard actually surpasses the tea cupboard we had at Spinster Mansion, both in quantity and quality. Every day, and sometimes multiple times a day, Vanessa and I put the kettle and then spend an unreasonable amount of time discussing the merits of the many teas available to us. After we have finally decided and brewed our tea, we drink it out of our matching mugs that our friend Ambrosia gave us.

Apple -  Apple is an adorable shihtzu with a sweet personality and one goggly eye. As I cannot have Gus with me at S&V's, Apple helps fill the void of furry purry kisses. I should mention that Gus is currently boarding at my friend Cassie's. I pray every night that he will not forget me... (See entry #20 - Catbandonment Issues).

So I shall remain here until July 15th. Sleeping in the nicest room I will ever have, trying in earnest to slam the fancy toilet seat, and sitting between Scott and Vanessa on the couch when we watch movies. In general, perfecting the art of being a burden.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, how we have missed you. Tell the truth, you're sleeping on the bathroom floor, aren't you.