Sunday, August 28, 2011

Entry #48 - Spinster Wedding Attendance

It is my belief that every wedding should have a spinster in attendance. If possible, there should also be someone who is too loud, someone who dresses inappropriately, someone who drinks too much, and someone who sings even though they lack talent. If you are smart like my friend Rebecca Reba*, you save yourself time and money and roll all these requirements into one guest; in this case, me.

Here is how the day unfolded, sunrise to sunset:

I wake up early enough that my brain requires three trips to the car before I have managed to remember everything I need to take with me.
Trip One: "Sh*t! The present!"
Trip Two: "Balls! My Dress!"
Trip Three: "Frak! My Sunglasses!"

I finally collect Katie from her house and we head off to the nearest Tim Horton's to get the standard issue steeped-tea-and-bagel breakfast that is required for all road trips. As we are waiting to order Katie looks at me and says "Sh*t! I forgot my dresses!" (yes, plural), to which I reply "I"m going to be honest with you, sweetheart, in no way can I be mad about that". After one more trip to Katie's place to collect her party dresses we are finally ready to undertake the 2 hour drive to the wedding venue, with just one more pit stop along the way.

As a life rule, Katie and I both recognize and accept that "the pretty" does not have an all day guarantee. Ergo, one must put off attempting to get pretty as long as possible in order to maximize the window of time it is possible to maintain the pretty. Unable to check into our hotel room until after the wedding starts, we decided to instead get ready at Katie's parents house (which is conveniently located about half way to the wedding). Katie's parents are gracious and welcoming, allowing us to monopolize the master bathroom with a cluster cuss of hair and make-up products. Katie's mom even makes us a light lunch during which I get a serious case of the Yes Pleases. This is where I turn into a greedy 8 year old instead of a reasonable 28 year old who knows she has a tight fitting dress to wear in less than three hours. The Yes Pleases look something like this..

Mrs Brand: "Would you like some mini croissants, Hannah?"
Me: "Yes, please! Mrs Brand!"
Mrs Brand: "How about some yogurt with peaches?"
Me: "Yes, please! Mrs Brand!"
Mrs Brand: "Watermelon?"
Me: "Yes, please! Mrs Brand!"
Mrs Brand: "How about some cheese with those mini croissants?"
Me: "Yes, please! Mrs Brand!"

After spending slightly more time primping (both of us) and eating (mostly me) than we should have, Katie and I arrive in scenic Parksville just in time to find our friend Megan, change into our dresses (in a public washroom), and hurry to our seats. The day is warm and sunny and most ladies have opted for lighter summer fashions. I, on the other hand, am wearing full-blown Spinster Couture in the form of heavy gold and blue brocade. It looks like a carpet and feels like a window drapery. I love it. The ceremony is as lovely as the bride looks, and at one point I must have gotten some sunscreen in my eye because I got a little teary.

Back in our hotel room after the ceremony, the girls and I work on writing in our card. We have selected an inappropriately religious card, because in my opinion our momentary amusement at our own irreverence is more important than wedding keepsakes that will last a lifetime. For this occasion we happen to have chose a very, very, Jewish wedding card; thus I spend about 30 minutes thinking of ways to work Yiddish words into my message. In the end I just list all the Yiddish words I know, most of which I learned from SNL's Coffee Talk with Linda Richman. We attach the card to the fancy set of Heinkel knives we purchased as our gift and head down to the reception.

The reception is pretty classic in the sense that I drank a lot of white wine, ate some great food, placed illegal bets with the girls about who would be the MIG (Most Inappropriate Guest), danced til my feet got blisters, and then massacred sang   "Loving You (is easy cause you're beautiful)" with the bride at the end of the night.

Orange Passion Photography did an amazing job  :)

After four hours of sleep, Megan and I wake up early to start our trek to Alberta. Like a crazy person, I volunteered to drive out there with her to help her set up her classroom. More on the Tour D'Alberta to come.

* Everyone at the wedding referred to Reba as Rebecca. For those of us at the "friends from university" table this was very confusing as we have only ever known Reba as, well,  Reba. I will always call her and refer to her as Reba, and I will always call Catherine Middleton "Kate". End of story. 


  1. Wonderful wedding woes......just loved every superb sentence..

  2. Hannah, I worked a 12 hour shift today. Luckily, it was during the first hour that I found your blog. It was the BEST part of my day. I laughed out loud several times, which gave my co-workers Sharpei-head (read "wrinkled brow"), but I cared not.

    You completely rock, and I can't wait to see what you do next. I even posted about you on my blog, and wrote a whole bunch of semi-embarrassing stuff about how much we're alike (a list of ten reasons, no less) so come on over. Bring some of that gin and juice. We can get crunk and disorderly! With circulars!


  3. I just discovered your blog, via Marcheline's post, and I can tell I'll be spending some time here catching up and laughing out loud too. I'm adding you to my Reader...I'll be back!

  4. What a sensible person you are ! A light snack before the wedding avoids tummy rumbling interuptions to the ceremony . And leaves plenty of room to do the wedding reception justice .