Monday, July 11, 2011

Entry #46 - Spinster in Paradise

Dear Diary,
When you are a spinster, you are sometimes obligated, in the interest of propriety, to escort your younger, more desirable friends on vacation. This is how I came to find myself sitting in a golf cart in the middle of a parking lot; sweating through my SPF 50 sunscreen while wearing a striped floral romper, pink sequin visor, and an expression of perpetual sardonicism.

If you were in the glorious state of Hawaii recently, on the beautiful island of Maui, you may have spotted me on the beach. I was the pale, freckled one sitting under my rainbow coloured umbrella, flanking a gaggle of bikini clad beauties sunning themselves in the tropical heat. If you are a handsome young man, I may have even given you the evil eye and demanded you “move along” as I caught you simultaneously ogling them and giving me an uninterested once-over.

 Spinpin’ in the Caddy - It was previously my firm belief that Spinstering and Pimping were mutually exclusive; that was before I experienced the mystical influence of the Cadillac. The leather-clad, fully-loaded powers of the Caddy inspired me, and I now know that one can indeed combine Spinstering and Pimpin’ to create Spinpin’. I also now know that nothing says “Spinpin’” and makes you feel like an empowered and classy individual like riding in a Cadillac with your Spinster’s Apprentice while wearing matching zebra print rompers.
Heather and I plan on wearing our matching rompers around the house when we become room mates in August. It will be glorious.

Menisa - My lovely friend Enisa is the polar opposite of a spinster which makes hanging out with her an experience for the ages. Men flock to her like I flock to cat plates, with extreme and unbridled enthusiasm. Proof of Enisa’s sexual magnetism is that men approach her even when I am in close proximity to her, which I imagine must be like walking against a sandstorm to get to a tropical oasis. Needless to say, I had to teach Enisa a new word while we were on vacation - that word was “incorrigible”.

Volcano Sing Along  - The drive up  to the summit of Haleakala took about an hour and a half. An hour of this time was consumed by about 473 hairpin turns which zig zag back and forth up the side of the volcano. I noticed that the state of Hawaii was considerate enough to place a warning sign at every single turn warning you of the sharp curve ahead; you know, just in case you forgot about the previous 376 sharp turns and decided to really step on the gas. They could have saved themselves a lot of money and time by having one sign at the bottom of the mountain that reads “There is nothing but hairpin turns from here to the top, so you should probably not drive like an asshole - mahalo”.
We were lucky enough to complete the drive up the mountain in our stylish and Spinpin’ Cadillac. Thanks to multiple ipods and enthusiastic DJs we never ran out of songs to sing along to. If there were a microphone planted at every turn in the road it would have sounded something like this: (keep in mind that the car was filled with five ladies, and that what we lacked in singing talent we make up for with enthusiasm)
“..A whole new world! a new fantastic point of view!...Ohhhhh I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody!..air freshener is kickin, drive through for chicken, I know you need a good stickin’ ...I look once more, just around the river bend, beyond the shore!!...take my breath awaaaayyyyyyyy...You thought I was just 770 and 404? I’m world wide bitch, act like y’ll don’t know...all the other kids with the pumped up kicks…I’ve got a brand new pair of roller-skates, you’ve got a brand new key!…All by myyyyyyseeeeelllllffffff, don’t’ want to live, all by myselllffffffff ANYMOOOOOOORRRREEEEEEEEEE...If you havin’ girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one..”

 Shortly after arriving at the summit of Haleakala, some 10,000 feet above sea level, after we were both short of voice and high of energy, I took one look around at the barren and lonely landscape and declared it to be the perfect location for a Spinster Fortress of Solitude*.  Currently the only buildings on the summit are a number of expensive looking telescopes, so I think I have a pretty good chance of snagging some real estate.

Sunset - I have witnessed a number of extremely beautiful and potentially romantic sunsets in my life, all of which were viewed in a notably non-romantic fashion . The sunset in Hawaii , in my experience, is rivaled only by that of the sunset in Santorini. Most nights the girls and I would wander down to the beach near our condo and enjoy the visual splendour of the setting sun. Watching a romantic sunset while surrounded by happy couples who are holding hands and cuddling can be kind of awkward, especially when you are wearing your full-length sunset-themed kaftan/muumuu, which may or may not have distracted some of the spectators from the actual sunset.

 Overall, I will say that Maui 2011 was a successful venture. Although, to me, any venture that results in the acquisition of zebra print rompers and a sequined pink visor is considered a success. Self high-five! Which is like a clap, only pathetic.

* It should be noted that when I said to Vanessa that I just typed the phrase “Spinster Fortress of Solitude”, she replied with “are you talking about your vagina?” Sigh…. 


  1. Aloha Hannah from Texas!!! Many more classic Spinster comments! I am laughing out loud and loving your Maui blog:)

  2. hahahahahahahaha....oh, I'm not laughing at you just the visual of a vaginal fortress of solitude.