Entry #69 - In Which, Ironically, Nothing is Sexy

Is that cat wearing a bow tie?..is that cat WINKING at me?!
Yes and YES.
You're welcome. 

Dear Diary,

How does a person really get inspired to write? How does one get spurred into blogging after a months long absence? I will tell you: a singular cat turd. That's right, I said it. ON THE INTERNET. Not five minutes ago my cat jumped up on my desk and walked directly between me and my laptop.
"Oh HEY buddy," I said "that is a highly inconvenient place you have chosen to...why do you smell like that?"
"MEOW" (head butt into my face)
"No seriously," I replied "why do you smell like cat poop?"
At this point, he can sense my panic and makes a break for it; and as he runs (read: prances) across my living room, tail held high, I can see one singular cat turd...stuck to his fluffy pants. For a moment I don't move. I am momentarily paralyzed (except for my jaw, which has slackened considerably).

"So it's come to this..."  I said aloud to no one in particular before accepting my fate and grabbing a kleenex.

So there you have it, things that I am compelled to share on the internet.

Entry #68 - Spincognito: In which I get a real job, turn 30, and eat a lemon meringue pie by myself

While Gus may not be surprised, he is deeply disappointed to belong to a human who is such a piss poor blogger.

Dear Diary,
        I have been far too busy winning the lottery, vacationing, getting in shape, and gallivanting about with my smart, funny, attractive gentleman caller to update this blog. Okay, so none of that was even remotely reminiscent of reality. To be perfectly honest, one could not refer to that as even a vague facsimile of the truth, but I am working on this "positive thinking" bullshit business so you'll just have to bear with me.

Entry #67 - Christmas at the Homestead

Dear Diary,
  First of all, congratulations to everyone on the world not ending, that was a total bonus, no? Worst apocalypse ever, thank goodness. I'm grateful to still be floating somewhat aimlessly through space (in a slightly elliptical orbit) with all of you.      

Okay, most of you.

Entry #66 - Guest Spinster Special - The Bake Off

Gus settles in to help with the blogging...

I love you, Amanda Marshall 

I met Amanda Marshall (no, not that one) a couple of years ago at my friend Anna's birthday, and it was love at first bite...and sight. Not only did she make exquisite cupcakes (chocolate, banana butter-cream, I recall peanut butter), but she was also one funny bitch. In addition, at the time she was a Spinster with multiple married siblings and a whopping 12 nieces and nephews, ergo she trumped me in the Spinster Hierarchy; a rare and impressive feat to be sure. She was my Spinster Superior.

Entry #65 - Yuletide Warm-Up

Dear Diary, 

     The holiday season is upon us once again, and with it my general disdain for the entire season. We already knew my heart was three sizes too small, but it becomes more apparent at this time of year, more pronounced. Nothing gives me a twitch quite like hearing "Feliz Navidad" or "Mary's Boy Child" for both the 1st and the 87th time. My feelings about Christmas are perhaps best summarized by the fact that I enjoy spending a large majority of Christmas Day participating in The Drunken Christmas Nog Tub. Nothing says "tis the season" like a spinster drinking alcohol AND milk products alone in the bathtub, no?

Spinster/Grinch heart.